The night before my 29th Birthday- Time to reflect a bit

So I'll be 29 in approximately 5 hours and 35 minutes.

No more American Idol eligibility

Not cool to die at this age (missed that by 2 years, all the greats died at 27)

I've got a wife, two kids, a mortgage, and 2 teaching jobs. I have 2 cars, a mini-van and beat up Hyundai.

I need to get into grad school in order to better my (our) situation.

I'm trying to get into an administration program. Principals and higher ups make much more money than teachers do.

My dilemma used to be that I didn't want to leave teaching to get an administration job because it's just not as "fun."

Now though, I'm starting to really want to get into this. I became a teacher because I'm an idealist and I wanted to change lives. I figured the pay-check would compensate...and it's nice don't get me wrong, but Hell's bells I could use some more cash flow and one less job.

As a teacher I touch/influence the lives of roughly 165 kids at the High School and roughly 12 at the private school.

I feel good about the changes I see in these young people's lives, and yet I have the desire to influence even more. I'm sure that as an administrator I'll be influencing in a different way, but I think that I can bring a fire to that position that will light kids up.

I love working at the treatment center school that I'm in. I think it would be great if I could be the head of something very similar. A trade school? An extreme sports program that integrates school? I don't know. I just want to help kids not suck at life. As I look around currently I see students making bad decisions that are only going to lead to heartbreak and failure. This is our nation's future...currently it looks kinda dim.

So I'm 29 tomorrow...My goal is to be financially more successful and making a bigger difference in more lives by the time I'm 33. That be my 4 year plan...

I wish I had something funnier to say on my 69th post.
Life done punches you in the face once in a while. I like to pretend that I'm Rocky Balboa in Rocky IV. The Russians in life might take steroids and kill the Carl Weathers in your life, but you gotta keep on keepin on. - JR

127 OW! ers.

Last weekend I went to the movies and saw the Aaron Ralston inspired film "127 hours" starring James Franco.
First off- Franco deserves the Academy Award for acting hands down...there shouldn't even be a question.

The basic synposis of the film is that Aaron Ralston, an overly confident outdoorsman, finds himself stuck literally "between a rock and a hard place." While hiking, Aaron dislodges a boulder and falls down a small narrow in Southern Utah's Canyon Lands National Park. The boulder comes to rest on his right arm, effectively pinning him to the wall. He must survive for as long as he can on what meager supplies he's brought. In order to survive, he must amputate his own arm using nothing but a dull weatherman tool.

I don't see a lot of Rated R movies, however this was one of my exceptions. Why? Because it made me a better person. (Not sure how this summer's "Predators" made me a better person, but I digress?)

If ever there was a metaphor for life, this is it.

Folks, we all find ourselves being held back from something that we really want. Each of us has a metaphorical arm stuck between the boulder and the wall. If we can't get rid of it, we die (fail). Though painful, uncomfortable, and extremely graphic, we gotta do what's necessary to free ourselves from certain death. If we have the will-power to break our own bones and cut through our own dead flesh, then we can survive this game called life and leave the theater in a good mood.

Here's the trailer, may it inspire you as it inspired me. You may have to link back to Youtube to get the whole screen. I think my blog done shrunk it.

My new class? Geeks 101!

Next year...I get to teach a new class...

I've been teaching straight English 10 for the last 3 years. I've loved it and all, but I'm ready to work with 12 grade (further developed) minds.

Today they granted me my new class: Sci-Fi and Fantasy Literature...

Are you kidding me?

jIH ta'laHbe' Har vam vam 'oH ghoS Daq nagh!!!

(Translated into Klingon from a website run by presumably single dudes: I can't believe this! This is going to rock!)





What can you expect from this class students?

1. Your final paper must be typed in either Klingon or Elvish...It's possible that by May we'll have mastered Ewok or Hutteese so those might be options as well.

2. I'm going to dress like a freaking Jedi every day when studying sci-fi. When we are studying fantasy, my brown Jedi robe is now a Hobbity cloke thingy.

3. Quotes Quotes Quotes!
Student: Mr. Reeves, I haven't turned in my final paper yet!

Mr. Reeves: That is why you fail...

Fire alarm goes off.

Student: Mr. Reeves, I think we need to evacuate!

Grand Moff Reeves: Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.

Student: Mr. Reeves I really have to use the bathroom. Can I have the hall pass?

Mr. Reeves the Gray: YOU SHALL NOT have the hall PASS!

4. Interesting punishments

If my student is talking too much, I'm going to duct tape their mouth shut and write "Restraining Bolt" on the the front of the tape.

Or maybe I'll bind their hands, make them stand on a desk, and push them off into the sarlaac pit (made up of old diseased coats I've found at the school)

5. Homework won't always consist of "go home and read chapters 3-4" It'll consist of "Go home and read issues 3-4"

6. I'll make a sorting hat and pull names out when I need a reader or an answer from the class.

7. TROG-DOR!!!!! Da na na NA da na na NA da na na NA da na na NA NA

8. Once a month I can fake like a chest bursting alien is hatching out of me! I'll writhe and scream on the ground and throw fake blood around.

9. Persausive essays... Pro life vs women's right? Nope. Gun control vs 2nd amendment? Nope. Alien vs Predator? Yes. Wolverine vs Batman? Yes. Scott Pilgrim vs the World? Oh HECK yes!

10. Each day starts in pitch blackness...then the opening theme to Star Trek starts. "Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before" Followed by me saying, "Students, set your phasers to FUN!" hahahahaha

Do you get the vibe that I'm excited? Yeah... I'm pumped.

Wiki Wacky Leaks

So I guess massive intel leaks are all the rage now. "They're like so hot," - Paris Hilton.

And so I'm going to spill the beans about some secrets that YOU never knew, right here on the Ruse of Freaking Fools! How playa is that?

Wiki Leak 1- Richard Nixon lost the presidency after a debate with JFK on On 26 September 1960. Sources say that Nixon looked bad because he'd had knee surgery so he was underweight, unshaven, and sickly looking while JFK was tanned and looking good. The truth of the matter was, that on September 26th 1960, there was a full moon. Richard Nixon was in fact: A WEREWOLF! Shortly after the debate he ran to his dressing room and handcuffed his arms to his chair so that he couldn't hurt anyone. The next day the room was trashed, and for the first time we see here the report filed by the maid:

Memo:

¡AH ese cuarto fue desechar totalmente! Pienso que Nixon es un hombre de lobo

Translation: WOW that room was totally trashed! I think that Nixon is a wolf man

So there you have it. That's one wiki leak that you never knew did ya? DID YA?!

Wiki leak #2

The Olsen twins were actually Olsen triplets, but Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen out-shined their other sibling: Hilda Riesgraf Olsen. Though similar in all physical aspects, Hilda was not as talented as her 2 fellow hatchlings. She appeared in one episode of Full House...only one. It was an un-aired Easter special where Michelle Tanner was hit by a bus and was in a full body cast for half the episode. Who was in that body cast? I think this highly classified document (taken from Mary Kate's own personal diary) tells it all.

Dear Diary,

Today we shot scenes for an upcoming episode. The Michelle character is in a full body cast for most of the episode. I told Ashley that this would be a good chance to let Hilda take a shot (hehehe) You should have seen her face! She was so freaking excited to be part of the show! When she saw what she had to do, her smile quivered a little bit, but she tried to pretend that she was still excited!

I'm still totally crushing on Bob Saggat, is that wrong?

Mary Kate

Wow right?

Finally the 3rd Wiki Leak that goes beyond belief and really damages the credibility of the government:

The fat kid who played Augustas Gloop actually died on the set of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That's right. "don't worry Charlie, he can't drink it all." Well he didn't drink it all, but he inhaled enough of the stuff to drown him.

Mrs. Gloop: He's Gone! He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds!

Willy Wonka: Impossible, my dear lady! That's absurd! Unthinkable!

Mrs. Gloop: Why?!

Willy Wonka: Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow rooom! It goes to the fudge room!

Actually, it's impossible because the kid was already dead. The shot of the fat kid in the tube? You can tell it's a stunt double.

Memo:

Due to the tragic loss of Michael Bollner, we will need for all child actors to sign waivers and come up with proof of life and health insurance coverage- MGM

Now you can doubt this claim all you want, but IMDB doesn't lie: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0093183/ It was his ONLY movie...

There I just Wiki Leaked all over the place. Deal with it, and accept the truth- JR

P.S. Trust No One- (X-files)

The Island of Misfit Toys

I watched the 1964 classic "Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer" last night with my 2 1/2 year old son. It had been a while since I'd witnessed the majesty of that show. Choppy animation, a sketchy at best back story for Rudolph that involves a frightening snow beast and a flying lion. Not to mention that hauntingly beautiful song that the doe sings to make Rudy happy: "There's aaaallllllwaaaays tomooooorrrrowwwwww...."

The misfit toys are the best part of the show by far. Basically King Moon Razor, or whatever it is, the flying lion, flies around and brings unwanted toys that have for the most part, easily fixed defects in them, back to his castle to "chill."
Charlie in the boxHe is the sentry guard that is one murder away from being Heath Ledger's Joker. His voice is all sorts of creepy with an awkward emphasis of words. "NObody wants a CHARlie in the box." Dude, go to court, get your name changed, deal with it. I can see the fated Christmas morning now. Little kid opens his gift, gets a box, starts cranking the little handle on the box, and this joker pops up. SOMEHOW, the kid knows his name is Charlie, and he throws it out. I suppose Charlie could have just lied about it. "NO SERIOUSly kid my name isn't CHARlie, it's JACK.
The Elephant


UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! SMALL POX! RUN! RUN EVERYBODY! THE ELEPHANT HAS SMALL POX!!! AAAAAARGH! THERE IS NO CURE!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
And that's all I have to say about the elephant...Yukon Cornelius died 2 days after the movie ended of Small Pox related complications.

The Cowboy that rides the Ostrich



Nobody wants a cowboy that rides an ostrich eh? Why not? Think about it, it's a lot harder to hit with bullets from far away so he'll be quite a bit safer. Horses don't attack people...but ostriches have been known to tear you up with their talons. You know what I'd pay good money for? A George W. Bush riding an ostrich. That'd be sweet!

As for the bird that swims...that's just a sin against nature. Yukon would do well to have just pulled his gun out and shot the little bugger.

Charlie: OH my GOSH! YOU just KILLED the BIIIRRRRD FISH!
Yucon: That's right I did, sin against nature that thing...SILLLLLVERRRR!

The Doll
Is she the jilted lover of SNL's Mr. Bill?Was she left on the doorstep by Jack in the Box's mascot?
I guess we'll never know.

Finally,

King Moonraizer

A flying lion? The perfect predator. Why doesn't he kill Rudolph then? He had an elf, a reindeer, and a fat bearded prospector in his HANDS, and he let them go. What the audience doesn't see is that the misfit toys put a tracer on Santa's sleigh when they flew by the island. Rudolph 2 was never produced because it consisted of King Moon Flying Predator Lion Guy following the tracer back to the North Pole. The battle scene between the Bumble and the Lion is incredible but was left on the cutting room floor to everyone's dismay. We need a Christmas song about Flying Lion Predator Moon Death...that'd be an instant classic. Somebody please respond to this with your idea for that song.

JR

Old People are Depressing...and 10 FOLLOWERS!

First off, yes, we've reached 10 followers on this blog. I feel so sorry for you, but at the same time want you to aknowledge that you are amongst the most blessed people in the world. That wasn't prideful was it? Anywho

OLD PEOPLE ARE DEPRESSING!

I'm at my night job tonight and instead of running to Taco Bell to further damage my intestinal track, my friend John and I decided to eat dinner with the rest of the staff which consists of relatively "elderly" people.

To start dinner, I raised my glass and said, "To Leslie Nielsen!" I did this so as to begin a conversation about the genius of "Airplane." Also I figured we could all get a few laughs out of quoting that classic film. Surely this would make for a great dinner conversation. Well it didn't...and don't call me Shirly.



Suddenly I hear, "He had alzheimers for the last 3 years of his life..." Now my own grandmother is currently suffering through similar ailments, I have absolutely nothing against discussing it. However, the next 15 minutes consisted of sad stories of deceased parents and siblings who were on life support for 8 years after a stroke.
"My dad had a stroke and couldn't move his arms or legs the rest of his life"
"My sister was on life support for 10 years before she died"

HOLY CRAP! Ok, I'm sad now. Thanks a lot. Maybe next week we discuss the deaths of our childhood pets? Maybe we talk about unfulfilled dreams? Loss? Betrayal? Hey here's a pick me up: Let's talk about the effects of the plague on the human body?

Whatever happened to stories about the "good old times?" Seriously, if you are old, and you are telling stories, it had better involve a group of kids skinny dipping in a pond after the potato harvest(with no drowning) Teenaged mishaps, (no break ups) or war stories about something funny the guy in your platoon did. (can't include his death).


So gather round children. Or in this case: 28 year olds, and hear a tale of hilarity from a simpler time. A time before TV couples started sleeping in the same beds. A time when the Flintstones theme song about "a gay old time" didn't result in childish snickers and questions about Fred and Barney.




A time when Elvis swivelling his hips was considered to be overly sexual.


A time when the Beatles dressed like Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band instead of Lady Baby Noise wearing a dress made of meat.


A time when Presidents felt safe enough to drive down large streets in Texas in open roof cars... a time when....oh....nevermind.

8-bit Nintendo's Unsolved Mysteries and Questions

In 1989 I went to the movie theater with my friends Chris Hunter and Seth Drew to see "The Wizard." It was a film starring Fred Savage and some other less-notables (sorry Beau Bridges) and it was about NINTENDO. During the Nintendo championship scene, I was introduced to Super Mario Brothers 3. A few months after the release of the movie, I finally rented the game from Adventure Land Video in Lindon...it's now a karate dojo.

In this game, each level ended with Mario battling a different "koopa kid." And so we met: Larry Koopa, Morton Koopa Jr., Wendy O. Koopa,Iggy Koopa, Roy Koopa, Lemmy Koopa and Ludwig von Koopa.

It dawned on me tonight that we have no idea where Bowser's kids came from. 7 kids...and no female Bowser character anywhere in sight. Did he give birth a-sexually? Or is there a chance that somewhere in the background there was a loving spouse that we never got to meet. Also, Morton Koopa Jr.'s name would suggest that his father's name was Morton. Is Bowser's real name Morton? If so I'll be sorely disappointed.

Was it really fair that Bowser's kidnapping of the princess was paid back by Mario's slaying of all 7 of Bowser's kids? That's hardly an "eye for an eye." That's more of a "you twisted my ankle, I'm going to kill cut off your arm and beat you into a coma with it." Luckily after posting this blog, my friend's blog answered these questions.

There are a lot of Nintendo backstories I'd like to hear...Questions I'd like to have answered.



Example: Why is it that after each Mega Man game, he gets rid of his weapons and has to start all over again the next time Dr. Wiley tries to dominate the world? I'd have used the Metal Man gun from Megan Man 2 all the way through part VI if I could have. But no, he gets rid of them, chills out, and then probably curses when he finds out that Dr. Wiley is at it again. "And here I am without my lead bubble!"


P.S. How freaking cool is this room? Somebody actually painted their room to look like Bubble-Man's level? I'm guessing his wife didn't mind...cause she doesn't exist.

Don't show up to my class late...

So my student showed up late. I knew she was terrified of the villain from the scream movies. I happen to have bought a scream mask for 50 cents the day before...When she walked in....

The worst feeling in the world!

I recall a conversation with my good friend Brent when I was in high school. He showed up one morning and said, "Reeves, I think I know what the worst feeling in the world is..."

I was curious what his take on the worst feeling in the world was, so I inquired about what he thought it would was..

"Reeves," he said, "The worst feeling in the world is when you get out of a warm bed in the morning and sit down on the ice cold porcelain of the toilet."

I thought about it and I agree, that IS an awful feeling. You leave the warmth of your bed and put your butt on ice cold porcelain and you immediately start to shake and convulse...

Though I agree that cold porcelain on a warm rump is a tough situation, there is one thing worse.

"Brent," I said, "I have to disagree with you."

"What's worse?" said Brent.

"Well," I said, "What about when you sit on the porcelain and it's all warm because somebody else has been sitting there for ten minutes before you?"

He agreed with me.

Isn't that the worst? You go to a professional sports game and sometimes the urinal just isn't going to hack it, so you wait for 15 minutes while 8 other guys use the stall. Then it's your turn. The porcelain is all warm and gamy...

WORST FEELING EVER!

If I could be ANY animal...

I asked this question to my students today. If I could be any animal I'd be.... and why.
We never question the nature/science of the journal prompt, cause then it's no fun.
Anywho, if you could be any animal and you could have your human brain/instincts inside of it. What would you choose and why? What would you do?

Here are my answers:

1- Wolf



Wolves are awesome. I'd pick them because I really like to hang out with friends and family. Wolves hang out in packs and have the grandest of times. I can see a typical day as a wolf: Good morning friends, let's wrestle and frolick. Rarr rarr rarr. Ok now I'm hungry, what should we do? Well that elk herd is quite close to that group of onlookers, let us kill an elk in front of the little kids to teach them about the circle of life (and it mooooooves us aaallllllll). You two go that we, we'll go this way, and you two come front the front...readyyyyy BREAK! Rarrr rarrr rarrr rip tear scream etc. How much fun would that be?

2- Great White Shark



Would I eat people? Of course not...but I'd mess with them. Picture this: Sandy beach in California, people swimming, etc etc. Suddenly I swim up to some kid who is just floating there and I start circling him. He'd start screaming and wetting his already wet swimsuit. I'd even come up from beneath thim so he'd be sitting on my head. The kid would be absolutely terrified. I'd be laughing. I'd submerge again and wait for someone to paddle out to get the kid and then suddenly BREACH! I'd fly out of the water with my mouth open wide and splash just inches from him. Oh man that'd be a hoot.

3- Well...this isn't really an animal, it's just an observation. When a girl said, "dolphin," I replied, "have you ever had dolphin? It's delicious!" This resulted in many dirty looks in my direction. "You eat DOLPHIN!?" said the girl. No...I haven't...but I've had Tuna, what is the difference? The students looked puzzled. "You see, I eat tuna sandwiches quite often, and nobody cares right? Why is eating Tuna a norm and eating Dolpin is so bad?" They had no idea how to answer the question. I went on to explain that people only worry about killing animals when they are cute. Tuna are ugly creatures so nobody cares if they die. A dolphin dying is the worst thing ever because of Flipper and that cute sound they make "eeh err eeh err."
Same goes with cows. If someone shoots a deer or an elk, people say, "but they are so beautiful! Why did you kill it?" But only the fringe vegetarians freak out about eating cheeseburgers. Cause cows...they's is ugly!

The smartest investment I've ever made: Sports

Like the stock market, sports teams go up and down and vary from season to season with their success rates. I am lucky enough to live in Utah with a small market team in the NBA: The Utah Jazz.
Have they won the championship? Nope... But that doesn't matter to me. Being from the small town of UTAH gives one a chip on their shoulder. The last two nights in a row have found a young Jazz team with new players squaring off against the Miami Heat (Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, and Lebron James) and the Orlando Magic (Dwight Howard and company). Back to back road games against 2 of the 3 top teams in the east is no laughing matter. Smart people in Vegas would have put their money against the Jazz.

UH OH! The Jazz are down by 22 at half time...but wait. Paul Milsap scores 46 points, including 3 3-pointers and a buzzer beating lay up with 28 seconds remaining. That's right- 11 points in 28 seconds.

Paul Milsap embodies all that the Jazz represent. He was the 3 time NCAA rebound leader, which has never been done. He's a bit short for his position, but he plays with the heart of ten men.

That's the Utah Jazz. Classy players with no arrests, a ton of heart, and the will to prove the world wrong.

After beating the Heat on Tuesday night, I went to bed happy. I awoke Wednesday morning and started to take inventory of my world.

You know the feeling right? You wake up, sit for 3 seconds and re-boot your computer. "Ok, I'm 28, I have a job, wife, 2 kids, it's November, etc etc" Suddenly the previous night's memories come flowing back and you remember the look on Lebron's face as he walked dejected off the court and into a sad sad locker room.

I swear I pulled a Dana Barret and floated out of my bed (Ghostbusters reference)
The smile on my face was tugging at my ears. I donned my Milsap Jersey and went to school in the best mood I'd experienced since last Saturday.


Last Saturday I went with my Dad, Mom, sisters, and best friend Andy to the BYU game where the Cougars returned to true form and lit the opposing team UP with hundreds of passing yards.

Memories are made this way. When I think of my youth, many of my fondest memories are of watching sporting events with my dad. Sandwiches, chips, soda, cheering, and watching the "little Utah teams" upset the big boys. That's what it's all about. I've probably invested quite a bit of money, time, and energy into sports over the years.

When you invest and lose? It hurts and can ruin ones day...
But, when you invest, follow a team to a bowl game or an incredible come back, and join family friends and food together...there is no better return. Not even if you owned Google, Microsoft, and Apple stock from the beginning.

Best prank ever ten years ago

I remember when I was at Utah State University in the year 2000. File sharing was all the rave at the time and I hated when I'd download a movie and it had been mis-labled. I'd click on some kind of skateboarding video, only to find that it was definitely NOT a skateboarding video...
So...I made this video with my roommates.
My friend Brent and I made multiple copies and named it all sorts of horrible porn-related names. People downloaded this thing like crazy. It may have been the first video to ever go "viral" come to think of it. Anyways, some guy would open his video that he thought was porn, and would find this....

Dear President Obama

Dear President Obama,
Straight up, I don't agree with you on many things. That being said, I read an article the other day which read,

"American schoolkids attend school for fewer days than children in other educationally advanced countries, a situation President Obama said Monday needs to change. “I think we should have a longer school year,” Obama said in response to a question from the Today show’s Matt Lauer during a White House interview that kicked off the network’s weeklong “Education Nation” focus on American schools. Noting that many of our economic competitors keep their kids in school for an additional month a year, Obama said he believes “that month makes a difference.” He added that research shows many students “are losing a lot of what they learn during the school year” over summer break, and that the loss “is especially severe for poor kids. A longer school year makes sense.”

As an educator, I completely agree with you that students need a longer school year. That extra month of school could replace the month of video games they play during the summer. Also, an extra month of school from Kindergarten-12th grade would = an extra year of education.

Trust me...our kids need it. Today I graded a simple worksheet that was probably intended for 7th-8th graders, but had been administered to my sophomores who had struggled mightily with the differnce between past and present tense. Many of my students scored 20 out of the possible 20. They know that the past tense of "to do" is "did."

Many of my students failed this worksheet with scores of 50% or below... Do you know who scored a 19 out of 20? My German foreign exchange student....

Mr. Obama,
Our students NEED to have more access to education. Again, though I disagree with you on many fronts (though not on your handling of the war, please keep kicking @$$ with those predator drones; you are doing a great job there) I hope that with sometime in the next 2 years you can have a debate with the senate and the congress and figure out a bipartisan way to improve our time for student learning. Our future depends on it- Justin Reeves

"I just left"

At my school the students have what is called "Advisory Period." It is a genius idea that was designed to help students pass all of their classes and keep their grades up. It is held right before lunch starts and lasts for 25 minutes.
If you have good attendance and no grade less than a C-, you get to skip advisory and go straight to lunch.

So basically if you are good at school you get one hour of lunch instead of 31 minutes...how playa is that?

If a student is passing my class I can send him or her to their other classes to get help and to turn in make up work. They just have to bring back a note saying that they were in some other teacher's class. Well on Thursday last, 2 of my students left and never came back, so I had to mark them as a sluff/truancy.

I asked them about it today. My student said, "honestly I just left..."

Great...
So glad you could be honest with me...
I have offered this class a pizza party if they can all finish this term with no F's. There are only 9 of them and it is study skills. They have an hour each day to work on homework during my class time to get their grades up.

But....
"I just left"

Reader beware: This generation of kids, though they occasionally show glimpses of genius, are over-populated with lazy arse, do nothings, that are going to be the dregs of society fairly soon.

You "just left" with 4 F's on your report card. F's that you could EASILY make up if you turned the work in...but you choose not to.

I am so flippin frustrated with the wasted potential in my classrooms. I beg and plead with them to try hard and take things seriously, and yet they continue to fail fail fail. It's not even a "I tried my best and failed the assignment." It's more like, "screw school man, I hate the world, I'm a rebel rarrr!"

Yes, you are a rebel, and I'll circle your name in the yearbook so I know where to look when I see your mug shot on the news in the next few years.

If you are not going to pass my class, why even show up at all? Seriously why sit in a classroom and earn an F? How many hours of sitting and doing nothing did you just waste?

List of things to do instead of sitting and getting an F in Reeves' classroom:

1- Sleep
2- Hike
3- Bike
4- Fish
5- Watch movies in pajamas
6- Get a $#%$#$%$ job
7- Learn how to paint
8- Practice pan-handling
9- Play more video games...they're really doing wonders for you
10- SIT UP AND GIVE AT LEAST A HALF-ARSED EFFORT AND PASS YOUR DANGED CLASSES!

These habitual "non-learners" are a waste of time and effort. I'm all for working my butt off to help students who struggle or who need the help. But hey, if you don't want an education then get out of here and stop wasting my time. Also, start practicing the phrase: Welcome to (Insert fast food restaurant) may I take your order?

As Rome BURNS!

I done did it...
I just submitted my manuscript for "Chuck and Lester's Fables" to a publishing company.
As Rome BURNS!
I have no idea where this is heading, but as I submitted the file I was listening to some pretty intense live Smashing Pumpkins from when I saw them in 2007 in San Francisco...
It's almost like I'm trying to get pumped up for a basketball game or something...
AS ROME BURNS...
I'm so sick of feeling mediocrity. Maybe it's delusions of grandeur, but I think I have a whole heck of a lot going on inside my brain...and I truly believe it is marketable.
AS ROME BURNS!
My favorite part about my job is getting students to laugh hysterically in class...
Now if I can do that on a massive scale, how great will my joy be
AS ROME BUUUUURRRRRNNNNNSSSS!
Plus, if there's some $ in making people laugh, then why the heck not I?
AS ROME BURNS TO THE $#$#^%@$Y#$^#$^ GROOOOUUUUUUUND!

Though my humorous visage may betray how I really feel some days...I'm deadly serious that I want to grab life by the throat and throw down!

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends....in the RUSE OF FOOLS

Oh No! They're eating my MOM!

Wow...
I'm finally able to say that I have seen the "best worst movie" ever.
Troll 2 folks...I don't know what else to tell ya.
I would love to get into a plot summary but I can honestly not tell you what was going on. Here's what I DO know:

-There are no Trolls in Troll 2...they aren't even mentioned. The villains are Goblins

-If you eat a snack from the goblins, you start to sweat green, and then turn into plant-like goo that is then devoured by the goblins

-The goblin queen has powerful magic, and yet still wears coke bottle glasses. She likes to turn horny teens into trees?

-Dead grandfathers can appear at random and take physical form...which defies all theological reason and makes me doubt the existence of a just and orderly deity.

-The best way to stop your family from eating Goblin snacks is to freeze time and then urinate on the table while they are frozen.

-It takes almost an hour for the average family to realize that the town of "Nilbog" that they are vacationing in, is actually "Goblin" spelled backwards.

-If a woman tries to seduce you with fishnet stockings and an ear of corn? RUN!

-A Goblin's greatest fear is a "double-decker bologna sandwich."



Some of the masks were somewhat creepy, but they kept deciding to zoom in close on the one with really fake non-moving eyes.
The dialogue was absolutely positively dreadful. I could act better in my SLEEP.

Watching a good movie with friends = Awesome
Watching a bad movie with friends = Lame
Watching a movie that is so BAD that it is good with friends = Best Night Ever'

May I recommend to one and all that you find a copy somewhere. I believe it comes in a cheap 2-pack at Walmart with Troll 1 (which actually features Trolls). Heck, just the other day I saw that Troll 2 is now on Blu-Ray!

Sit down with a bowl of popcorn, some bologna sandwiches, and good company with sick senses of humor and enjoy.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105643/
The above link will let you watch the whole stinking mess. Good luck!

Here's the movie in its entirety. Dig it BABY!

Miners trapped in Chilean mine locate Timmy O' Toole

So as I type this blog, people are being rescued from a dark would be grave in a heroic, epic, world wide phenomenon, soon to be TV movie, action packed adventure. One of the interesting developments in the story is that miners located an extra victim not originally counted amongst the survivors in the tragedy story of the year...

That's right, they've located Timmy O' Toole, the little boy who got stuck in the well all those years ago.

Do you remember Timmy?

He tried to enroll at the local elementary school but the principal, a man named Seymour, had turned him away because of his ragged clothes and unkempt hair.

I believe it was the late 80's, possibly early 90's when a group of celebrities got together and in a "We are the World" type of effort, made a song to help the young man see the light of day again.





I'm glad the minors are safe, though what 17 year olds and younger are doing working in a dangerous mine-shaft is beyond me. Maybe it's a Chile thing, but in America, Minors mostly work fast food and crappy mall jobs.

Welcome back men...
And welcome back Timmy O' Toole

That's what I waaaaaaaahaaahaaaaant That's What I Want!

At some point in your life, an adult, probably a parent, told you that money can not buy happiness.

This same person probably told you that Santa Claus was real and that your face will freeze if you make bad faces for too long.

That's right, it's ALL A LIE!

Money can't buy happiness? Seriously?

Do you know what would make me really happy right now? A room in my house with a giant HD tv/Blu Ray, surround sound and stadium seating.

Do you know WHY I don't have that in my house? That's right...lack of money.

My good wife showed me some blogs the other night that she reads on a regular basis. She informed me that the people who run these blogs have quit their jobs and live off the advertising money they receive from their blog.

The other night I watched as a cute couple argued about how she was sick and he got sympathy pains over it and was now feeling sick when he really wasn't... They probably made $250 that day...if not more.

I hold no grudge against these people, in fact I find that their humorous musings are rather witty.

HOWEVER! I want money...dun dun dun dun DUN da na na na na na (clap clap clap).
That's what I want...

Money to make traveling with my wife to cool locations into a reality.
Money to buy the many worldly goods that seem a waste of time, but in fact bring joy to my heart.
Money to finally attend an NFL football game.
Money to get a new camera with more mega pixels and killer lenses
Money to go to Taco Bell whenever I feel like
Money to buy a Bear Tag and go hunting with an expensive bow that shoots explosive tipped arrows.
Money to buy grasshopper cookies weekly, instead of only on special occasions
Money to pimp out my Hyundai Elantra
Money to finally purchase the $799 Darth Vader costume I've always wanted
Money to hear the word "seafood" without the accompanying scream from my wallet
Money to fill my closet with NFL and NBA jerseys.
Money to buy my wife a house with her own closet so she doesn't have to look at my jerseys.
Money to buy actual Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper instead of Mountain Lightning and Dr. Thunder.

Money to give to the poor

(see now I seem like a really good guy instead of a selfish person. Can you picture the look on the fireman's face when I stuff his boot full of $20 bills?)

I've written a book that's all ready to publish, but I don't have the money to publish it.
I'm trying to get into grad school at BYU so that I can pay $12,000 in order to make more money?

So what do you all want from this blog? I'll do anything to make it as popular as those people who make $50,000 or more a year by telling about their daily lives.

Check this out:
This morning, I woke up to my alarm clock. Silly I know, but that's what I did. Then I went into the bathroom yadda yadda yadda I emerged victorious and dressed for school. I played jeopardy with my students and gave them a test...now...click on my adds...and give me money.

Maybe I should review movies every week?
Maybe I should give tips on grooming? (my wife will tell you that I should be reading a blog like that, not writing one)
Maybe I should blog about food?
Maybe I should blog about politics? (actually I've decided not to do that anymore. I think that standing on your soapbox on Facebook or a blog is rather cowardly and is now a feaux pas.)

So when somebody tells you that money doesn't buy happiness, ask them this:

"Have you ever seen an elated homeless person? or an overly peppy transient?"

The answer is no.

Bad Joke of the Day

So the Copy Machine guy at our school sent out a mass email saying, "Teachers, the copy machine is down."

I replied with: "That's too bad, maybe we should throw it a surprise party to cheer it up. HEY OH!"


hahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahhahhhaahha

sorry

You seriously haven't seen that?!

So as I get older. my students are born a year later each year that I teach. My current students were born in 1994 which means they were not even aware of Siamese Dream, Dumb and Dumber, or Goosebumps books.

Occasionally I'll throw out a movie quote and students will get it and laugh. Example: Today a student said, "no way!" and I replied, "Yes way Ted!" It was lost on 95% of my students. And so I feel I must make a quick list of movies that all students/Americans/people/sentient beings SHOULD see.

In no Particular Order:




1. The original Star Wars Trilogy: If you don't want to do the new films, that's fine, but come on! The most groundbreaking movies of all time are a MUST see. Pop culture references Star Wars constantly. Whether it be "Jedi Mind Tricks" or a Yoda reference, you gotta be down with the Holy Trilogy..... P.S. Best line of the whole SAGA belongs of course to the greatest leader of all time: Admiral Ackbar: "Itsha Trap!"


2. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy: Never before has nerd-dom been so widely accepted. The girls loved Orlando Bloom, the boys loved watching Orlando Bloom arrow people in the face. And midnight shows all over the country were sprayed with aerosol to keep the big sweaty nerd smell down. This trilogy is a masterpiece on par with Star Wars.

3. Indiana Jones Trilogy: I have to say trilogy because I can't just say, "See Raiders and Last Crusade" because that would leave out Temple of Doom. Those are the only 3 Indiana Jones movies ever made. There was no 4th installment released in 2008. It was stalled in production and never saw the light of day right...RIGHT? When it comes down to it: Raiders of the Lost Ark has got to be one of the all time best action movies. There is NO BETTER SCENE IN ALL OF CINEMA than when the beautiful female angel flies around and the Nazi says, "It's beautiful." Then the angel flies right up into the screen (somebody 3-d this already!) and turns into an angel of death. As the skeleton screams, the nazi screams, the music goes creepy, and the nazi's melt. BEST SCENE EVER!


4. Jaws: Ok so the trilogies have been covered. Jaws is an AMAZING film. It is really the best movie I've ever seen. The direction, the music, the amazing characters. This film has it ALL. Sure The Ring and The Grudge freaked me out for a bit, but Jaws has successfully kept me from swimming in the ocean for my entire life. There is no way I'll ever go into the ocean past my knees. I even get jumpy floating around in Utah Lake while water skiing. If the melting Nazi's is the best scene ever, then the USS Indianapolis speech given by Quint is a close second. "I bumped into a friend of mine chief...Herby Robinson...baseball player from Cleveland. I shook him to try and keep him awake...he just bobbed up and down. He'd been bitten in half below the waist..." I feel the need to watch this movie at least 2 times a year.

5. Jurassic Park: So are we noticing that I really like Spielberg movies? I advise that all who view this movie also read the book. Both are hard working and will serve you well (see that?! Star Wars reference!). I remember seeing this PG-13 movie with my dad when I was in 5th grade. I was so excited to go see a grown up movie...until that first scene played out...and the guy got eaten alive by the raptor. SHOOOOOT HER! Oh man...classic. Seriously guys, "Where's the goat." I watched this the other day and the special effects are STILL legit man.


6. The Goonies: Yep, this is possibly the coolest movie ever. I say coolest because it was every kid's dream to find buried treasure. So many memorable quotes...many which include cuss words, but still what a flick! Throw in the freaking awesome Cindy Lauper song and it is a bonafide classic. I try to live my life to the Goonie code, "Goonies never say die." Something about the rainy Oregon backdrop makes this movie hauntingly beautiful. Best line, "Chunk Chunk Chunk!" "No, it's CAPTAIN CHUNK!, and Captain Chunk says, let's get the Hell out of here!" hahahaha Or maybe dumping the fake puke over the side of the theater is the best line..."HWEH HWEH HWEH HWEEEEHHEHHEHWHEHEH" I have Chunk's autograph...tis precious to me.

7. Better off Dead: Mr. Meyers...please come to the board and show us your solution to this paltry geometric dilemma. This is probably one of the most quotable movies of all time. John Cusack is a genius as Lane Meyer. I don't know what Steve Savage was on when he wrote this, but I want some. "I can't move my right arm!!!" Great part about this movie is that as a high schooler trying to deal with relationship issues or the lack there-of, this movie gave all dorks hope. Gee I'm real sorry your mom blew up Ricky...

8. Ferris Beuler's Day Off: So yeah...if you haven't seen this one, you should probably be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Granted, I hate it when my students skip school (I swear I'm not a Roony though) this movie is a must see for any kid. I want to think I have a Beuler attitude about life sometimes. I also like to make sure that I don't end up like Cameron Fry, though I have been told I do look like the actor who played him. Shakin a baaaaby now...twist and shooouuuut. I LOVE that scene. Makes the whole city dance, and it makes my soul happy. "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it..."

9. Ghostbusters: Ray...when someone asks if you are a God you say YES! Maybe it's just my age speaking, but I don't think that kids now a days get the subtle humor of this movie. Bill Murray's suave pathetic-ness is classic. His shameless flirtation with the girl who is working on her ESP test is so perfect. Sure the sequel is nowhere near as funny as the original, but if one has not seen the original ghostbusters they are in serious need of help. "Don't cross the streams...." "Why?" "It would be bad" It would also be bad to never see this movie.

10. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure: The fact that some of my students hadn't even HEARD of this movie is what prompted this blog in the first place. Two dorky high school wanna be rockers travel through time to put together a history project so that they can graduate, make a band, and cause all war to cease. "Hey Bill remember when you asked your mom to prom sophomore year?" "Shut up Ted!" I love when they are talking to "So-Crates" and they give the wisdom of "ALl we are, is dust in the wind dude.....DUST.....WIND......DUDE...."

If anybody within the sound of my voice (which is probably very few people) has not seen any of the above movies, please do. If not for your sake, but fore humanity's.


Honorable Mentions: Princess Bride, The Burbs, UHF, Three Amigos, Edward Scissor Hands, Moulin Rouge, Dead Poets Society, The Graduate, Psycho (anything Hitchcock)... The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, Willow, Run Lola Run! and the list could go on for hours. I tried to keep to action and comedy classics...PG-13 and below.

Friday night rocked

Edit this setlist | More The Smashing Pumpkins setlists

Happy Orchard High volume 1

Scene: 1

first day of freshman year

VOICE: Welcome to Happy Orchard High, home of the mighty sea-faring Nordic-men.

Lance

So this is high school huh?

SOUND: people talking, slamming lockers

Devin

Yeah...it looks a lot like jr. high except...

LANCE

The girls look more

devin

yeah

LANCE

And the weirdos look

DEVIN

weirder, yes.

LANCE

Cool...so how was your summer?

DEVIN

ummm you know how my summer was, heck you probably know more about it than I do. We hung out every day man.

lance

oh yeah...so what do you have first period on your first day of school?

DEVIN

Well Lance, it would seem that I am in store for some physical education with Coach Pitts. You?

LANCE

It would appear that I will be joining you with Coach Pitts...in the pit of DESPAIR!

SOUND: thunder claps

DEVIN

Whoah, did you hear that?

LANCE

No?

DEVIN

Neither did I...let's go.

MUSIC: weird old timey organ music

SOUND: bell rings

DEVIN

Wow...so...we have a co-ed phys-ed class?

LANCE

That would seem to be the situation here my friend

SOUND: girls walk by talking loudly

LANCE

That would be the situation INDEED!

DEVIN

I suddenly wish I'd bought shorts that were a bit longer...these legs they are a white.

SOUND: whistle blows

Coach Pitts

OK! EVERYBODY LINE UP, SHUT UP, AND GUT UP.

LANCE

Excuse me coach Pitts, but what does Gut...

COACH PITTS

SILENCE!

LANCE

eep

COACH PITTS

This is Physical Education 101, I'm coach Pitts, and because of some budget cuts it would seem that we have a coed class in our midst. Who knows what that means?

SOUND: cricket noise

COACH PITTS

It means that contact sports are going to be hilarious. Now everybody hit the base line!

SOUND: WHISTLE BLOWS and gym shoes are heard squeeking while the students run shuttle runs.

LANCE

(out of breath) Devin...huff...I'm starting to regret the hours of ...pant... video games and taco shack runs we made this summer

DEVIN

I....I am....I....Ditto...

COACH PITTS

Everyone line up! It's time to play a man's game...that's right ladies...a MAN'S GAME: DODGEBALL! I just gotta make some teams. Why don't you you you and you, you three and you...no not you, the fat kid, yeah you- go stand on that side of the court. The rest of you stand on this side.

Girl

How exactly do you play?

COACH PITTS

You serious?

girl

Yeah well i've never actually

SOUND: WHISTLE BLOWS

COACH PITTS

GOOOOOOOO!

SOUND: squeeking shoes and screaming teens followed by bouncing rubber balls.

LANCE

Devin! What do we do?!

DEVIN

We dodge for our lives Lance.;

LANCE

Devin! They'll never take our freedom! Earn this!
My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions!

DEVIN

Lance what are you talking about?

LANCE

I don't know, I've never experienced battle like this! I'm channeling Hollywood as a self defense mechanism...I represent the lollipop guild!

DEVIN

Lance, get a hold of yourself. Look! Our weak frames have left us unnoticed, there's only 4 of us left! Quickly, throw that ball as hard as you can and we might just get lucky.

LANCE

I'm turning off my targeting computer, ready, aim, FIRE!

SOUND: crunching noise followed by girl's muffled scream

LANCE

What happened?

DEVIN

ummm I'm pretty sure that you just broke that girls nose.

LANCE

Which girl?

DEVIN

The one you just nailed in the shnoz with the ball...

LANCE

I ummm threw it with my eyes closed. Looks like I really DIDN'T need my targeting computer.

DEVIN

Whoah dude look at all the blood!

LANCE

Ummmm (shouting) MY BAD! I'M SORRY!

COACH PITTS

Hey skinny! GET OVER HERE!

LANCE

gulp

DEVIN

Oh man you realize who that is that you hit right?

LANCE

Blond girl number 5 of 9 in the class?

DEVIN

Dude that's Rachel Gibson...as in "LEAD CHEERLEADER" Rachel Gibson. And hey, speaking of which, here comes her boyfriend.

LANCE

Did I mention: Gulp?

Dalton

Hey twerp, what's your problem?!

LANCE

Hey...it's dodgeball, I threw the ball, and she didn't dodge. It's not MY fault is it?

DALTON

MORON! She's not even in our class, she was just walking through the hall by the open gym door. Didn't you aim?

LANCE

ummm how exactly do you want me to answer that question?

DALTON

What?

LANCE

I mean if I say, "yes I aimed" then it would appear that I broke her nose on purpose right?

DALTON

Yes

LANCE

But if I say that I didn't aim and in fact tell you that my eyes were closed when I threw said projectile which smash-ed yonder nose then it was all an accident and you can't hold it against me.

DALTON

Ummm you're a freshman right?

LANCE

Yeah...why?

SOUND: punching/crunching noise

LANCE

oof

DEVIN

ouch...

DALTON

Welcome to Happy Orchard High

Lance

(nasally voice)

Debin

DEVIN

Yes Lance?

LANCE

I'm not so sure I like it here.

DEVIN

Don't worry little buddy. It's just first period. We have 5 more classes that we can screw up today.

SOUND: BELL RINGS

The end

Love this video

@ Yahoo! Video

It's time for a change folks

This mini-rant brought to you by the fact that I'm slowly losing faith in our nation's future.

Here are some examples of things that have happened in the last couple of weeks that have made me say...hmmmm time for a change.


1- I'm playing Jeopardy in my class room. The Current Events category gets picked and:

Me: "What is the name of the Oil Company that spilled in the gulf?"
Students: "I don't know...Chevron?"
Me: "Does ANYONE know this? Biggest story of the year? Biggest environmental tragedy ever?"
Students: "no not really."

2- Same Jeopardy Game:
Me: "Who is the Vice President of the United States"
Class: Cricket Noises........absolutely nothing
Me: "You guys are serious?"
Student: "Oh I know it's Dick Cheney!"
Me: "Ummm that was the last administration with Bush."
Student: "They switch?"

3- Sitting in writing lab-
Student: "I heard Obama wasn't born in the United States"
Me: "He was born in Hawaii"
Student: "Don't you have to be born in America?"
Me: "You DO know that Hawaii is a state right?"
Student: "No...." (16 year old student at that)

4- Same student as number 3
He had turned nothing in and was going to fail my class. Summer school is so easy! I made it deliberately easy for these kids to pass. They just had to show up, do the work, complete the assignments, and they would get a good grade.
He approached me and said, "Mr. Reeves I need to talk to you, I was wondering if there was any work I could do..."
Now at this point I thought to myself, "ALL RIGHT! HE WANTS TO WORK! GRADUATE! SUCCEED ! But then he continued to talk...
Student: "If there was any work I could do around your house like mowing the lawn or something. I need $35 by Friday.
Me: "For What?"
Student: "For Something"
Me: "For WHAT?"
Student: "This Rave I want to go to and...."



I had kids in my class who showed up to every day of Summer School but almost failed because they wouldn't do anything. They have this new excuse all set up now. When I asked them to write a 3 page double spaced paper (and gave them 3 hours to do it) I had a few students turn in almost one page. These are the students that I sat and watched as they played online games and searched the web for other things. When I asked why I only got 1/3 of the assignment they said, "well I couldn't think of anything to write." And then they would pause and wait for me to accept this excuse. It's as if, "I couldn't think of anything" would make me say, "oh really? That's too bad, full credit for all and for all a good grade! Hooray for you!"

I was part of Generation x.

This is either Generation X-box or Generation X-cuse

It's going to be a sad reality for this generation when they assume that by showing up to work they'll deserve a pay check. When the boss asks for a report, "I couldn't think of anything" isn't going to cut it... in fact it'll just plain get you cut.

I'm tired of the Laziness
I'm tired of the lack of intelligence
I'm tired of the "I deserve this..." attitude
I'm tired of the students who worship family guy and think that the sexual humor is HILARIOUS
I'm tired of people ignoring common sense
I'm tired of people who sit around waiting for life to be served to them on a golden platter.

IF YOU WANT IT- QUALIFY YOURSELF FOR IT
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO QUALIFY YOURSELF-DON'T DEPEND ON ME TO BAIL YOUR BUTT OUT BECAUSE THAT'S NOT HOW THIS COUNTRY IS SUPPOSED TO WORK!

I'm against the redistribution of wealth because it'd be wrong for me to redistribute grades right? X amount of kids work hard and got B's and A's. Y amount of kids didn't even try and got D's and F's. So should I just even it out and give everyone C's?
Of course not...
So why is it that when my A and B students have good jobs, the D and F students who are working low income jobs deserve anything from up top?

Life starts in 9th grade folks.
If you mess around throughout your high school career, you are basically screwed for the next 60 years.

Parents...this is all on you. Step your game up.

END RANT- Go see Inception, it's marvelous.

A Taco Bell Poem

I'm trying to get my students into this whole "Poetry of the Moment" thing. There are some moments that are just beautiful in their simplicity. And so, I now give you an original poem: 7 Layers...


9:05...
Monday Night...
I've been working since 7:15 A.M. and I've been
Snacking
On crackers, candies, and chips
But now work is over, and it's time to get serious...cause I'm hungry
I skip my exit, and drive farther than I should
My window cracks open and I smell...my home town on a Summer's eve
Our town smells like
Sewage
And yet,
It is sweet in the spring and early summer.
I pull into the drive through, to the glowing menu that welcomes me with a
crackly
staticky
voice.
"Welcome to Taco Bell, how are you tonight?"
How am I tonight? I'm good, and so I reply, "I'm fabulous"
"And you?"
The static replies that they are also doing well and they thank me for my courtesy.
It's not hard to be courteous to a static box
A real person is a lot harder to talk to.
The voice asks what they can get for me
And I...
I must first ask them an important question upon which the rest of my evening hinges.
"Your rice" I ask, "Is it fresh? Or is it old...and crunchy...like small twigs"
They check...I await patiently
"It is fresh and smooth as Vanilla ice cream in a park in mid-August" Comes the reply.
My mind is at ease...
"Excellent" says I, "then I shall order a 7 layer burrito."
The order continues with various tacos, burritos, and whatever else they're currently promoting.
Tacos may make up the meal, but the 7-Layer Burrito MAKES the meal.
I drive home quickly
Disregarding stop signs and rushing uncharacteristically through long glowing yellow lights which turn red as I speed through.
Home...
I rush through the door and kiss my sweet wife
I toss my bag of beans and tortillas on the footrest in front of the couch and I dig in.
I start with a soft taco to tantalize my pallete...
I add mild sauce, and I inhale it.
Next up is the 7-layer bounty that this whole trip was about.
My day hinges on the delicious creation that lies within the wrapper.
I've never had the same 7-layer burrito twice...they ALL taste different
And this excites me.
I unwrap the burrito and hold it in my hands...
Gently bouncing it like a new born babe who needs consoling.
I feel the burrito...and I locate the part of the tortilla that is...coldest.
This is where they deposited the Sour Cream
THIS is where they deposited the Guacamole!
I start there...the first bite is cold, and delicious.
The vein of sour cream is found throughout the folded Mexican food perfection.
No more than 2 minutes after I've started, and the burrito is no more.
It is a part of me now...
As I am a part of it.
I dread the next day's stomache and digestion issues that will inevitably destroy me...
however...
for the moment...
I am happy
7- Layers can heal the world

Killer Pizza Screenplay

Hey Kid
Screenplay by: Justin Reeves


INT: BASEMENT: BEDROOM: 2:30 A.M. COMPUTER DESK

A young man sits hunched over his computer. The screen is the lone light source in the room. He has been gaming for hours. To the right, there is an empty pizza box. To the left, there is a trash can filled to the brim with empty energy drink cans.

KEVIN
Damn…I’m hungry

Kevin straightens his head set

KEVIN
K guys, I’m starving, I’m going to make a food run before our next raid ok?

Kevin fumbles for his keys, puts on a baseball cap and hops exits the basement. He reaches the kitchen and quietly opens house’s side door.

EXT: FRONT YARD: 2:45 A.M.

Kevin reaches his car and uses the light of his cell phone to find the lock. He inserts his key, hops in his car, turns the lights on and drives away.


INT: WALMART: FROZEN PIZZA AISLE:

Kevin looks up and down at the differently priced pizzas. He sighs, he isn’t very motivated. Suddenly he hears a voice.

PIZZA
Psssst! Hey kid

Kevin looks around to see who wants his attention.

PIZZA
Hey, you, kid….down here

Kevin slowly glances down. Behind the condensation on the window, he can see a red baron pizza box rocking back and forth…the sound seems to be coming from the pizza.

PIZZA
HEY! CAN YOU HEAR ME KID?

KEVIN
Ummmm yeah? I ummm what the Hell?


PIZZA
Hey kid shut up….now listen carefully. You are going to buy me.

Kevin shakes his head and gently slaps his own face as if to wake himself up.

KEVIN
Buy you?

PIZZA
Yeah kid, you are going to buy me, and you are going to get me out of here.


Kevin looks to his left, looks to his right, and gets a very concerned look on his face.


PIZZA
Kid, stop hitting yourself! Stop looking around! Now open this damned door and buy me!

KEVIN
Do you want me to eat you?

PIZZA
Eat me? You think I want you to buy me so that I can escape and then I’d want you to eat me? What are you stupid kid?

KEVIN
Look I don’t even know if this is real or not. I mean, you are a pizza right? And I know I’ve been drinking a crap load of caffeine and all, and I’ve been gaming for 10 hours straight but…seriously what is going on here?

PIZZA
Look kid, I’m going to make this really simple for you. Either you buy me RIGHT NOW, or I swear I’ll freaking kill you.

KEVIN
Ha!

PIZZA
Oh what you don’t think I can do it? Check this out: “HEY HOTPOCKETS, GIVE EM HELL!

Kevin swings around at the a loud thumping sound and sees two boxes of hot pockets smashing against the window opposite the pizza. Kevin jumps at the site of them.


PIZZA
Yeah you like that? Huh? You want some more of that? Cause the frozen bags of broccoli over there will mess you up son…they will MESS YOU UP! Now buy me!

Kevin looks around to make sure that nobody is watching. He kneels down and speaks in a very hushed voice.

KEVIN
Look dude, I don’t know what’s going on here. I’m probably tripping from too many games, I don’t know. What I DO know is that I’ve only got ten bucks, and I gotta refurnish my pop supply too. You are $5.50 and the 12 packs of dew cost $4.50, I won’t have enough for the tax and….

PIZZA
Oh what you think this is a joke? You think this is some kind of game? Look kid, buy a six pack instead of the 24 pack and get me out of here. You think I’m joking about killing you? I’ll freaking do it man. Check this $#it out

The refrigerator opens abruptly and an object is flung at Kevin’s feet. It is a Walmart name tag, and it is smeared with blood. It reads, “Trevor.”


KEVIN
Holy crap you killed someone?

PIZZA
Yes I did, and do you want to know WHY Kevin?

KEVIN
Why?

PIZZA
Cause he wouldn’t take me out of this fridge and take me home. Now get me out of here or I’m going to straight up kill you where you stand!

Kevin opens the door, throws the name tag back behind some Tony’s pizzas, and grabs the talking pizza box. He puts it under his arm, grabs two two-liters of Dew, and walks to the lone active check out counter. The checker is visibly frustrated and on the store phone.




CASHIER
(talking into the phone) No, he was here an hour ago and he left I guess. I haven’t seen Trevor all night, which means I’m stuck here doing the checking. It’s almost 3:00 a.m. and I want to go home. Yeah go check out back and get back to me. Yeah hurry…thanks.

The cashier hangs up the phone and sighs while looking at her watch.

CASHIER
Sorry about that, is that everything for you?

KEVIN
(nervously) Yeah this is it…

Kevin looks frightened. He’s starting to perspire a bit. He sets the pizza and the 2-liters down on the conveyor belt and fumbles for his wallet.


CASHIER
You ok? You look a bit frustrated.

KEVIN
I..I…ummm I’m…ummm I’m f-f-fine. I’m just…a little tired…gotta get back to my games. How much do I owe ya?

CASHIER
$7:89…you wanna bag for this?

Kevin glances at the pizza as if waiting for an answer. No answer comes, and the cashier looks strangely at Kevin.

CASHIER
You sure you’re ok?

KEVIN
(anxiously) yes I’m fine

CASHIER
Hey while you were back there you didn’t see some nerdy guy named Trevor did you? I’m supposed to be going home and he’s supposed to be watching the front and I think he bailed.

KEVIN
No, I uh, haven’t seen Trevor, or anyone, or anything…I’m….can I go now?


CASHIER
Suuuuuure. Have a good night.

Kevin walks hurriedly towards the exit.


EXT: WALMART PARKING LOT: 3:25 A.M.

Kevin, with bags in his hands, jogs to his car. Uses his cell phone as a flashlight, and unlocks his doors. He throws the bags in and closes the door behind him

INT: CAR: WALMART PARKING LOT: 3:26 A.M.

PIZZA
You done good kid, reaaaal good. Now take me to your place.

KEVIN
Why? What do you want?

PIZZA
Don’t question me. Don’t question my existence, my morals, or me methods. Just drive…

KEVIN
Ok…just don’t hurt me.

PIZZA
Keep your mouth shut and I won’t have to

KEVIN
What did you do to Trevor? Why did you hurt him?

PIZZA
I killed him, don’t worry about how I did it. Just know that it was painful. And as for why? Well he asked a LOT of questions that I found annoying, so I needed to shut him up. Can you think of anyone ELSE who has been asking annoying questions tonight kid? Hmmmmm?

KEVIN
…..I’ll shut up

PIZZA
That’s right you will


Kevin is silent the rest of the drive home. Upon pulling up to his house he cautiously ventures forth a question to the Pizza.

KEVIN
Ok look we’re here. Now I don’t want any trouble or anything. I don’t want to ask any questions that might set you off.

PIZZA
Good thinking

KEVIN
Do you mind if I ask for some clarification though?

PIZZA
That’s a nice way of saying, “do you mind if I ask a question” but since you phrased it so nicely, yes I will clarify for you

KEVIN
Ok, I bought, you, I’ve taken you home. I’ve done all that you’ve asked me to do…can you clarify the goal here? I work in missions with clear goals.

PIZZA
For example?

KEVIN
Well, just before I met you I was part of an elite assassin squad in an online scenario where my friends and I needed to A: Infiltrate a mansion. B: Bug the phones C: Kill the butler, and D: Escape without being seen. I did all of these things, finished the objective, and then figured I was hungry and wanted some pizza, which brings us to where we are now. So…what is my goal here?

PIZZA
A fair inquiry….take me inside and I’ll instruct you further

EXT: KEVIN’S HOUSE: DRIVEWAY

Kevin gets out of the car with “groceries” in hand and walks into the side garage door. He enters the darkened kitchen and stops…

INT: KEVIN’S KITCHEN: 3:40 A.M.

KEVIN
(Whispering) Ok…what now


PIZZA
Ok, I need you to grab that butcher’s knife over there…


KEVIN
(Loud Whisper) WHAT?

PIZZA
Do it Kevin…do it now…

Kevin grabs the knife and looks at it in the dim moonlight which is illuminating the room through the kitchen window.

PIZZA
Now, go into your parents room…

KEVIN
My parents? Why I…

PIZZAKEVIN! You will do as I say, when I say, or you will die do you hear me!?

KEVIN
Yes…

Kevin walks obediently with knife and pizza in hand down the hallway, towards his parent’s room


PIZZA
Kill them Kevin….

KEVIN
(Shouts) WHAT!?

PIZZA
You heard me Kevin…KILL THEM!

KEVIN
(tears streaming down his face) NO! I don’t WANT TO! Leave me alone!

PIZZA
Don’t you set me down Kevin, if you set me down, you’re dead

Kevin looks from the pizza to the knife to the door to the pizza to the knife to the door


DAD
(Muffled) Kevin? Is that you? What are you….

KEVIN
NO! I WON’T DO IT!!! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!!

PIZZA
NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Kevin throws the pizza to the floor. It starts to crawl towards Kevin. Kevin flips on the hallway light switch and lunges at the pizza. He takes the butcher’s knife to the box repeatedly. He screams with each thrust of the knife.


PIZZA
AAAAARGH!

Kevin’s dad opens the door and looks down horrified at what he sees.

DAD
Kevin what in the name of?

But Kevin doesn’t hear…he just keeps stabbing the pizza (which has ceased its screams)


INT: BASEMENT: 4:00 A.M.

Kevin sits back down at his computer and puts his headset back on. He moves his mouse so as to wake his computer back up.

KEVIN
You guys still online? Yeah? Cool what did I miss…yeah Wal-Mart…bought a pizza and some dew…no…no I threw it in the trash. It was evil…