Wednesday, September 22, 2010

You seriously haven't seen that?!

So as I get older. my students are born a year later each year that I teach. My current students were born in 1994 which means they were not even aware of Siamese Dream, Dumb and Dumber, or Goosebumps books.

Occasionally I'll throw out a movie quote and students will get it and laugh. Example: Today a student said, "no way!" and I replied, "Yes way Ted!" It was lost on 95% of my students. And so I feel I must make a quick list of movies that all students/Americans/people/sentient beings SHOULD see.

In no Particular Order:




1. The original Star Wars Trilogy: If you don't want to do the new films, that's fine, but come on! The most groundbreaking movies of all time are a MUST see. Pop culture references Star Wars constantly. Whether it be "Jedi Mind Tricks" or a Yoda reference, you gotta be down with the Holy Trilogy..... P.S. Best line of the whole SAGA belongs of course to the greatest leader of all time: Admiral Ackbar: "Itsha Trap!"


2. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy: Never before has nerd-dom been so widely accepted. The girls loved Orlando Bloom, the boys loved watching Orlando Bloom arrow people in the face. And midnight shows all over the country were sprayed with aerosol to keep the big sweaty nerd smell down. This trilogy is a masterpiece on par with Star Wars.

3. Indiana Jones Trilogy: I have to say trilogy because I can't just say, "See Raiders and Last Crusade" because that would leave out Temple of Doom. Those are the only 3 Indiana Jones movies ever made. There was no 4th installment released in 2008. It was stalled in production and never saw the light of day right...RIGHT? When it comes down to it: Raiders of the Lost Ark has got to be one of the all time best action movies. There is NO BETTER SCENE IN ALL OF CINEMA than when the beautiful female angel flies around and the Nazi says, "It's beautiful." Then the angel flies right up into the screen (somebody 3-d this already!) and turns into an angel of death. As the skeleton screams, the nazi screams, the music goes creepy, and the nazi's melt. BEST SCENE EVER!


4. Jaws: Ok so the trilogies have been covered. Jaws is an AMAZING film. It is really the best movie I've ever seen. The direction, the music, the amazing characters. This film has it ALL. Sure The Ring and The Grudge freaked me out for a bit, but Jaws has successfully kept me from swimming in the ocean for my entire life. There is no way I'll ever go into the ocean past my knees. I even get jumpy floating around in Utah Lake while water skiing. If the melting Nazi's is the best scene ever, then the USS Indianapolis speech given by Quint is a close second. "I bumped into a friend of mine chief...Herby Robinson...baseball player from Cleveland. I shook him to try and keep him awake...he just bobbed up and down. He'd been bitten in half below the waist..." I feel the need to watch this movie at least 2 times a year.

5. Jurassic Park: So are we noticing that I really like Spielberg movies? I advise that all who view this movie also read the book. Both are hard working and will serve you well (see that?! Star Wars reference!). I remember seeing this PG-13 movie with my dad when I was in 5th grade. I was so excited to go see a grown up movie...until that first scene played out...and the guy got eaten alive by the raptor. SHOOOOOT HER! Oh man...classic. Seriously guys, "Where's the goat." I watched this the other day and the special effects are STILL legit man.


6. The Goonies: Yep, this is possibly the coolest movie ever. I say coolest because it was every kid's dream to find buried treasure. So many memorable quotes...many which include cuss words, but still what a flick! Throw in the freaking awesome Cindy Lauper song and it is a bonafide classic. I try to live my life to the Goonie code, "Goonies never say die." Something about the rainy Oregon backdrop makes this movie hauntingly beautiful. Best line, "Chunk Chunk Chunk!" "No, it's CAPTAIN CHUNK!, and Captain Chunk says, let's get the Hell out of here!" hahahaha Or maybe dumping the fake puke over the side of the theater is the best line..."HWEH HWEH HWEH HWEEEEHHEHHEHWHEHEH" I have Chunk's autograph...tis precious to me.

7. Better off Dead: Mr. Meyers...please come to the board and show us your solution to this paltry geometric dilemma. This is probably one of the most quotable movies of all time. John Cusack is a genius as Lane Meyer. I don't know what Steve Savage was on when he wrote this, but I want some. "I can't move my right arm!!!" Great part about this movie is that as a high schooler trying to deal with relationship issues or the lack there-of, this movie gave all dorks hope. Gee I'm real sorry your mom blew up Ricky...

8. Ferris Beuler's Day Off: So yeah...if you haven't seen this one, you should probably be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Granted, I hate it when my students skip school (I swear I'm not a Roony though) this movie is a must see for any kid. I want to think I have a Beuler attitude about life sometimes. I also like to make sure that I don't end up like Cameron Fry, though I have been told I do look like the actor who played him. Shakin a baaaaby now...twist and shooouuuut. I LOVE that scene. Makes the whole city dance, and it makes my soul happy. "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it..."

9. Ghostbusters: Ray...when someone asks if you are a God you say YES! Maybe it's just my age speaking, but I don't think that kids now a days get the subtle humor of this movie. Bill Murray's suave pathetic-ness is classic. His shameless flirtation with the girl who is working on her ESP test is so perfect. Sure the sequel is nowhere near as funny as the original, but if one has not seen the original ghostbusters they are in serious need of help. "Don't cross the streams...." "Why?" "It would be bad" It would also be bad to never see this movie.

10. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure: The fact that some of my students hadn't even HEARD of this movie is what prompted this blog in the first place. Two dorky high school wanna be rockers travel through time to put together a history project so that they can graduate, make a band, and cause all war to cease. "Hey Bill remember when you asked your mom to prom sophomore year?" "Shut up Ted!" I love when they are talking to "So-Crates" and they give the wisdom of "ALl we are, is dust in the wind dude.....DUST.....WIND......DUDE...."

If anybody within the sound of my voice (which is probably very few people) has not seen any of the above movies, please do. If not for your sake, but fore humanity's.


Honorable Mentions: Princess Bride, The Burbs, UHF, Three Amigos, Edward Scissor Hands, Moulin Rouge, Dead Poets Society, The Graduate, Psycho (anything Hitchcock)... The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, Willow, Run Lola Run! and the list could go on for hours. I tried to keep to action and comedy classics...PG-13 and below.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Happy Orchard High volume 1

Scene: 1

first day of freshman year

VOICE: Welcome to Happy Orchard High, home of the mighty sea-faring Nordic-men.

Lance

So this is high school huh?

SOUND: people talking, slamming lockers

Devin

Yeah...it looks a lot like jr. high except...

LANCE

The girls look more

devin

yeah

LANCE

And the weirdos look

DEVIN

weirder, yes.

LANCE

Cool...so how was your summer?

DEVIN

ummm you know how my summer was, heck you probably know more about it than I do. We hung out every day man.

lance

oh yeah...so what do you have first period on your first day of school?

DEVIN

Well Lance, it would seem that I am in store for some physical education with Coach Pitts. You?

LANCE

It would appear that I will be joining you with Coach Pitts...in the pit of DESPAIR!

SOUND: thunder claps

DEVIN

Whoah, did you hear that?

LANCE

No?

DEVIN

Neither did I...let's go.

MUSIC: weird old timey organ music

SOUND: bell rings

DEVIN

Wow...so...we have a co-ed phys-ed class?

LANCE

That would seem to be the situation here my friend

SOUND: girls walk by talking loudly

LANCE

That would be the situation INDEED!

DEVIN

I suddenly wish I'd bought shorts that were a bit longer...these legs they are a white.

SOUND: whistle blows

Coach Pitts

OK! EVERYBODY LINE UP, SHUT UP, AND GUT UP.

LANCE

Excuse me coach Pitts, but what does Gut...

COACH PITTS

SILENCE!

LANCE

eep

COACH PITTS

This is Physical Education 101, I'm coach Pitts, and because of some budget cuts it would seem that we have a coed class in our midst. Who knows what that means?

SOUND: cricket noise

COACH PITTS

It means that contact sports are going to be hilarious. Now everybody hit the base line!

SOUND: WHISTLE BLOWS and gym shoes are heard squeeking while the students run shuttle runs.

LANCE

(out of breath) Devin...huff...I'm starting to regret the hours of ...pant... video games and taco shack runs we made this summer

DEVIN

I....I am....I....Ditto...

COACH PITTS

Everyone line up! It's time to play a man's game...that's right ladies...a MAN'S GAME: DODGEBALL! I just gotta make some teams. Why don't you you you and you, you three and you...no not you, the fat kid, yeah you- go stand on that side of the court. The rest of you stand on this side.

Girl

How exactly do you play?

COACH PITTS

You serious?

girl

Yeah well i've never actually

SOUND: WHISTLE BLOWS

COACH PITTS

GOOOOOOOO!

SOUND: squeeking shoes and screaming teens followed by bouncing rubber balls.

LANCE

Devin! What do we do?!

DEVIN

We dodge for our lives Lance.;

LANCE

Devin! They'll never take our freedom! Earn this!
My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions!

DEVIN

Lance what are you talking about?

LANCE

I don't know, I've never experienced battle like this! I'm channeling Hollywood as a self defense mechanism...I represent the lollipop guild!

DEVIN

Lance, get a hold of yourself. Look! Our weak frames have left us unnoticed, there's only 4 of us left! Quickly, throw that ball as hard as you can and we might just get lucky.

LANCE

I'm turning off my targeting computer, ready, aim, FIRE!

SOUND: crunching noise followed by girl's muffled scream

LANCE

What happened?

DEVIN

ummm I'm pretty sure that you just broke that girls nose.

LANCE

Which girl?

DEVIN

The one you just nailed in the shnoz with the ball...

LANCE

I ummm threw it with my eyes closed. Looks like I really DIDN'T need my targeting computer.

DEVIN

Whoah dude look at all the blood!

LANCE

Ummmm (shouting) MY BAD! I'M SORRY!

COACH PITTS

Hey skinny! GET OVER HERE!

LANCE

gulp

DEVIN

Oh man you realize who that is that you hit right?

LANCE

Blond girl number 5 of 9 in the class?

DEVIN

Dude that's Rachel Gibson...as in "LEAD CHEERLEADER" Rachel Gibson. And hey, speaking of which, here comes her boyfriend.

LANCE

Did I mention: Gulp?

Dalton

Hey twerp, what's your problem?!

LANCE

Hey...it's dodgeball, I threw the ball, and she didn't dodge. It's not MY fault is it?

DALTON

MORON! She's not even in our class, she was just walking through the hall by the open gym door. Didn't you aim?

LANCE

ummm how exactly do you want me to answer that question?

DALTON

What?

LANCE

I mean if I say, "yes I aimed" then it would appear that I broke her nose on purpose right?

DALTON

Yes

LANCE

But if I say that I didn't aim and in fact tell you that my eyes were closed when I threw said projectile which smash-ed yonder nose then it was all an accident and you can't hold it against me.

DALTON

Ummm you're a freshman right?

LANCE

Yeah...why?

SOUND: punching/crunching noise

LANCE

oof

DEVIN

ouch...

DALTON

Welcome to Happy Orchard High

Lance

(nasally voice)

Debin

DEVIN

Yes Lance?

LANCE

I'm not so sure I like it here.

DEVIN

Don't worry little buddy. It's just first period. We have 5 more classes that we can screw up today.

SOUND: BELL RINGS

The end

Tuesday, September 14, 2010