Happy Orchard High volume 1

Scene: 1

first day of freshman year

VOICE: Welcome to Happy Orchard High, home of the mighty sea-faring Nordic-men.

Lance

So this is high school huh?

SOUND: people talking, slamming lockers

Devin

Yeah...it looks a lot like jr. high except...

LANCE

The girls look more

devin

yeah

LANCE

And the weirdos look

DEVIN

weirder, yes.

LANCE

Cool...so how was your summer?

DEVIN

ummm you know how my summer was, heck you probably know more about it than I do. We hung out every day man.

lance

oh yeah...so what do you have first period on your first day of school?

DEVIN

Well Lance, it would seem that I am in store for some physical education with Coach Pitts. You?

LANCE

It would appear that I will be joining you with Coach Pitts...in the pit of DESPAIR!

SOUND: thunder claps

DEVIN

Whoah, did you hear that?

LANCE

No?

DEVIN

Neither did I...let's go.

MUSIC: weird old timey organ music

SOUND: bell rings

DEVIN

Wow...so...we have a co-ed phys-ed class?

LANCE

That would seem to be the situation here my friend

SOUND: girls walk by talking loudly

LANCE

That would be the situation INDEED!

DEVIN

I suddenly wish I'd bought shorts that were a bit longer...these legs they are a white.

SOUND: whistle blows

Coach Pitts

OK! EVERYBODY LINE UP, SHUT UP, AND GUT UP.

LANCE

Excuse me coach Pitts, but what does Gut...

COACH PITTS

SILENCE!

LANCE

eep

COACH PITTS

This is Physical Education 101, I'm coach Pitts, and because of some budget cuts it would seem that we have a coed class in our midst. Who knows what that means?

SOUND: cricket noise

COACH PITTS

It means that contact sports are going to be hilarious. Now everybody hit the base line!

SOUND: WHISTLE BLOWS and gym shoes are heard squeeking while the students run shuttle runs.

LANCE

(out of breath) Devin...huff...I'm starting to regret the hours of ...pant... video games and taco shack runs we made this summer

DEVIN

I....I am....I....Ditto...

COACH PITTS

Everyone line up! It's time to play a man's game...that's right ladies...a MAN'S GAME: DODGEBALL! I just gotta make some teams. Why don't you you you and you, you three and you...no not you, the fat kid, yeah you- go stand on that side of the court. The rest of you stand on this side.

Girl

How exactly do you play?

COACH PITTS

You serious?

girl

Yeah well i've never actually

SOUND: WHISTLE BLOWS

COACH PITTS

GOOOOOOOO!

SOUND: squeeking shoes and screaming teens followed by bouncing rubber balls.

LANCE

Devin! What do we do?!

DEVIN

We dodge for our lives Lance.;

LANCE

Devin! They'll never take our freedom! Earn this!
My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions!

DEVIN

Lance what are you talking about?

LANCE

I don't know, I've never experienced battle like this! I'm channeling Hollywood as a self defense mechanism...I represent the lollipop guild!

DEVIN

Lance, get a hold of yourself. Look! Our weak frames have left us unnoticed, there's only 4 of us left! Quickly, throw that ball as hard as you can and we might just get lucky.

LANCE

I'm turning off my targeting computer, ready, aim, FIRE!

SOUND: crunching noise followed by girl's muffled scream

LANCE

What happened?

DEVIN

ummm I'm pretty sure that you just broke that girls nose.

LANCE

Which girl?

DEVIN

The one you just nailed in the shnoz with the ball...

LANCE

I ummm threw it with my eyes closed. Looks like I really DIDN'T need my targeting computer.

DEVIN

Whoah dude look at all the blood!

LANCE

Ummmm (shouting) MY BAD! I'M SORRY!

COACH PITTS

Hey skinny! GET OVER HERE!

LANCE

gulp

DEVIN

Oh man you realize who that is that you hit right?

LANCE

Blond girl number 5 of 9 in the class?

DEVIN

Dude that's Rachel Gibson...as in "LEAD CHEERLEADER" Rachel Gibson. And hey, speaking of which, here comes her boyfriend.

LANCE

Did I mention: Gulp?

Dalton

Hey twerp, what's your problem?!

LANCE

Hey...it's dodgeball, I threw the ball, and she didn't dodge. It's not MY fault is it?

DALTON

MORON! She's not even in our class, she was just walking through the hall by the open gym door. Didn't you aim?

LANCE

ummm how exactly do you want me to answer that question?

DALTON

What?

LANCE

I mean if I say, "yes I aimed" then it would appear that I broke her nose on purpose right?

DALTON

Yes

LANCE

But if I say that I didn't aim and in fact tell you that my eyes were closed when I threw said projectile which smash-ed yonder nose then it was all an accident and you can't hold it against me.

DALTON

Ummm you're a freshman right?

LANCE

Yeah...why?

SOUND: punching/crunching noise

LANCE

oof

DEVIN

ouch...

DALTON

Welcome to Happy Orchard High

Lance

(nasally voice)

Debin

DEVIN

Yes Lance?

LANCE

I'm not so sure I like it here.

DEVIN

Don't worry little buddy. It's just first period. We have 5 more classes that we can screw up today.

SOUND: BELL RINGS

The end