Monday, April 25, 2011

Things I've always wanted to try, but just haven't been able to muster the guts to do them

So...awkward moments. They can be really funny, but sometimes it takes a lot of guts to pull them off. I was reminded by some friends of mine at my high school ten year reunion this year about the time I stood up in class and grabbed my eye and screamed, "MY EYE!" as I ran out of the room.

That took a lot of guts, but I pulled it off. Here's a list of things I've always wanted to try, but have just never been able to talk myself into doing:

1- Poke my head out of the bathroom door at McDonalds and yell, "Excuse me! I'm all out of McToilet Paper in here!"

2- Try to withdraw money from my bank account and when they ask for identification I just wave my hand and say, "you don't need to see my identification."

3- Go into a pet store and ask them which breed of dog that they carry, tastes the best after it matures and is seasoned.

4- Go to the most recent disney tweeny-bop movie which stars the latest Hannah Montana-esque star, all alone...dressed in a huge Santa Suit...and I chuckle loudly after every corny joke.

5- Kick a buffalo

6-Run for public office...any public office. My slogan will be, "Hell, why not? Vote for Reeves!"

7-During a touchdown celebration, throw small trout throughout the stands

8- While using the urinal (I've gotten close to trying this one) sing the entire theme song to the original Mario Brothers game on NES, regardless of how many people are in there.

9-Go to the Lincoln Memorial and just talk to it for hours about my favorite movies.

10- Legitimately get my tongue stuck to a flag pole and start yelling, "shtuck! shtuck!"

So yeah, there's a list of random things I've always wanted to try but just haven't had the chance, the money, or the guts to pull em off- JR

Monday, April 18, 2011

What's Left to Re-Boot?

I feel bad for the current generation. They have nothing "original" when it comes to entertainment. When was the last time a movie came out and you said to yourself, "wow, that was really original" ? And don't say inception. That movie was ripped off of a Donald Duck comic book from 2002. I know ya'll are jealous cause you weren't born in the 1980's, and so you resort to remaking and rebooting classics. I'm not complaining exactly, cause honestly most of these movies have been pretty sweet. I just find it interesting that the 80's are still this dominant.

-Karate Kid




-He-Man (animated)

-Thundercats (animated)

-Vultron (animated)

-Red Dawn


-Indiana Jones




-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

-Top Gun (in the works)

-GI JOE -Friday the 13th franchise

-Nightmare on Elm Street franchise

and the list goes on bada bum de dum BOOM!

I'm probably missing quite a few. My hope is that certain films are left alone. They've already announced a re-booting of Batman. You realize that they are only two films into the trilogy, the second of which is the number 3 box office grossing film of all time. DC's just trying to keep up with Marvel though since they are re-booting Spider Man... and the X-men as well.

Let's look at some classic 80's flicks and see if they warrant a sequel or a reboot or nothing at all.

The Goonies- I know that most people will say, "leave this one alone." But, the remaining original cast is still down with this one. They actually want to make this work. LET THEM DO IT! It's one of the most epic films of all time and we'd love to see them re-unite and go on another Goonie adventure.

DO NOT, however, cast Justin Bieber as Mikey Walsh and re-boot this thing. We don't need a CGI Sloth, I repeat, we do NOT need a CGI Sloth.

Sequel: Yes Reboot: No

The Last Starfighter- Alex Rogan has defeated the Codan Armada... Now he needs to train the next generation of Star Fighter.

DO NOT, however, cast Andy Sandberg as Alex Rogan and turn a classic sci-fi masterpiece into a mockery... On second thought though, Tracy Morgan as Grieg might be slightly hilarious. I take it back- Andy Sandberg and Tracy Morgan would make this awesome. Throw in Chevy Chase as Centari and we've got a hit!

Sequel: Yes Comical Re-boot: Yes

WILLOW- Moments after finishing the Lord of the Rings book trilogy, George Lucas came up with this amazing idea about a halfling that teams up with humans to protect something that would destroy all evil in the world. Willow is a veritable classic and will be for eons. How oft do I find myself wishing I had a little bag of bones in my pocket, and whenever people are trying to decide something I could say, "I will consult the bones!" Then I'd dump them out and say, "The bones tell me....nothing."

There were a slew of book sequels to this, but I think that in this case a remake would be a bad idea since Val Kilmer is now...well.. let's put it this way. His call sign in Top Gun was "Iceman." Judging by his presnt girth, he'd be known as "Iceberg that sent the Titanic to the bottom of the Atlantic." Mad Mardigan was the coolest character ever...let's not ruin him shall we?

Sequel: No Re-boot: No

Also, don't even think of having Ferris Beuler's son take school off, and Better off Dead is Better Off left alone since it's the greatest comedy to come out of that beloved decade.

What else would you like to see remade from the 80's? AND DON'T SAY HOWARD THE DUCK!


Monday, April 11, 2011

I Hate Zach Galifinakis and Seth Rogen

I know there are plenty of other guilty parties, but I'm going to focus on these two clowns because they caught my attention lately.

Since I'm not a regular viewer of raunchy "comedies," I haven't seen much of these guys. I saw the Galifinakis tool in the dinner for Schmucks flick, which I regret seeing, and he seems to be a one trick pony as far as the breadth of character he can play.

Recently I saw an interview done with Seth Rogen on the Conan O'Brien Show. Conan mentioned that Seth was a big fan of weed. Seth replied, "yeah, I have my medical marijuana card here in California." Conan asked him what his ailments were that warranted the use of the drug and he said something along the lines of "I'm sick of not having enough WEEEEED!"


Zach Galifinakis hosted SNL the other night. He had a large sheet of paper that read, "Clap if you endorse legalized marijuana." He then folded the paper back to read, "I'm ashamed of this audience." And then he peeled it back to say, "There should have been MORE clapping." Finally he finished with, "I smoke so much pot that sometimes I forget to smoke it."


I'd like to introduce these two morons to my students. This year I've had kids arrested for dealing your precious weed. They're going to be in the court system and won't be getting out to see your latest movie. I've had multiple students drop out and or fail my class and most other classes all year, and guess why they've all been suspended. I've got a kid right now whose IQ is basically flat lined because of how much weed he smoked growing up. Kid is only 15 and his mind is a barren wasteland.

So thanks for promoting drug use you guys. You are making millions while my kids here are failing out of life before they're 18.

There will be those who argue that it's not that big of a deal. They'll think me a small minded conservative Christian who knows nothing.

Well here's what I do know. Drugs are illegal, they screw you up, and these two morons who are adored by impressionable teenagers are out there promoting it.

I'm on the front lines. I see what it does to these kids. You clue-less hippies have a lot of blood on your hands.

-end frustrating rant.

Monday, April 4, 2011

It's the story...of a lovely MURDER!

Whilst watching John Travolta's classic t.v. movie from 1975- The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, this weekend, I started to think about some unanswered questions. Travolta's dad in the show was played by the guy who played Mr. Brady from the Brady Bunch show.

I blogged about the things they never explained in Toy Story a month or so back, and now I'm going to go to a dark place that holds more questions than answers...


"Excessive uses of alcohol, physical, or verbal abusiveness are a few examples of reasons to lose child visitation rights" (Child Visitation Rights).

Throwing the silly movies aside, why was there never an episode (that I can remember) where the kids left to be with their other parent?

"Producer Schwartz wanted Carol to have been a divorcee but the network objected to this. A compromise was reached whereby no mention was made of the circumstances in which Carol's first marriage ended" (Wikipedia).

So we have two split families that become one... let's look at both sides and guess what MAY have happened.

Carol Brady and the Girls: In this case I'm guessing that the lack of child visitation rights comes from an abusive parent. Jan Brady is obviously dealing with some real issues throughout the series. My guess is that their biological father used to mistreat Florence Henderson and her brood. If violence was involved, this would explain the lack of visitations. They never make mention of him...maybe he was in prison? The show was canceled before the 6th season ever materialized and the internet is telling me it's 6-10 years for abuse of that kind. If the 6th season HAD come to pass we may have seen Flo Hender's Ex getting out of Folsom to stay with the family and spend time with his girls. The Ex waits til Mr. Brady is gone and attacks Flo Hender with a wrench. Tiger (the family's dog) bites the guy in the process and rips a major vein, causing the man to bleed to death on the shag carpeting.

Mr. Brady and the Boys: Whereas Flo Hender divorced an abusive guy, Mr. Brady and the boys lost their mother to...mysterious circumstances. That's right...It's the story of a lovely MURDER! Throw in some blackmail and you have a plausible reason why Alice the maid is still hanging around. Mr. Brady works, Mrs. Brady....does what? She's home all day, why do they need a maid? The truth is they don't need a maid. Alice is there, working for free, because if she EVER says anything about what went down on August 18th 1968, Mr. Brady would feed her to the dog. Mr Brady, master manipulator, began flirting with Alice. He knew that Alice had a huge crush on him and he used that to his advantage. Mr. Brady had tired of his current wife and had noticed Flo-Hender at the shopping center recently. He knew her situation, he knew she was vulnerable, and he wanted out of his current relationship. He manipulated Alice into believing that if she (Alice) could just get rid of the old Mrs. Brady, then they would hook up. Didn't happen though. Alice killed the old Mrs. Brady and came running to what she THOUGHT would be an excited Mr. Brady...only to find him aghast at what she'd done. "Alice...what have you done...why did you...sniff...kill her?" Alice panicked, but Mr. Brady comforted her. "Listen, I won't tell the police, but your paycheck just disappeared. You work for me now, forever and always. If you EVER leave, I'm telling the cops everything. So Mr. Brady got Flo-Hender, got rid of his old wife, and got free maid service for life.

And THAT's the way they became the Brady Bunch!