Thursday, July 14, 2011

Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings

I know that everyone is super excited for the last chapter of the Harry Potter franchise to hit the big screen. I know it's a cultural phenomenon and everything but let's just hang on a second here. Harry Potter (whose name Rowling ripped off of the movie "Troll" from the 80's-look it up) as far as a film series is concerned, has been one of the most boring wastes of time in the history of cinema.

Is it just me or did most of the movies consist of that red haired weasel kid whining and brooding about something while adolescence did cutesy magic things and went to dances? This is a franchise that liked to throw around kick butt phrases like, "defense against the dark arts" and "death eaters." (Death Eaters a name given to Taco Bell addicts)

So in the 6th movie, nothing happened. Nothing at all. If I recall it was more like a British romantic film with the "who's snogging Ginny" bit being the most important. Then at the end some guy dies and then instead of having an epic fight scene like the book portrays, they just let the bad guys go. LAAAAAAME. Let's see some of that defense against the dark arts used against the death eaters eh? naaaah that'd be too cool. Instead we should just wrap it up and watch the money roll in.

Lord of the Rings needs no defense. I just finished watching extended trilogy on Blu-Ray and I saw major action sequences in all 3 films. The locations changed at a rapid pace as opposed to the first Deathly Hallows film which pretty much took place in an acre of forest over and over and over again.

Do you know what I DIDN'T see in Lord of the Rings? Robert Pattinson....Game Set Match.

I'll give Harry Potter credit on this one item: the 3rd film was actually fairly well done. It had decent characters in it and so I was a bit more interested. Harry, Hermione, and Ron are all pretty lame characters. Snape, Sirius, and Belatrix are pretty much the only cool parts of the series.

Right...Voldemort is REALLY scary. His only frightening feature was the lack of a nose. What, did he do something really evil one day and his nose just popped out of existence? I suppose the dementors are pretty cool, or at least they would have been if they hadn't already shown up in Lord of the Rings riding on really cool looking black horses or dragon things.

The makers of Harry Potter are pretty stupid. The biggest complaint from fans is that the books are all better than the movies. The movies just have to pack way too much in so things get left out. Ummmm excuse me? You think you could make a Potter movie 4 hours long and people wouldn't have gone? Of course they would have. Lord of the Rings was incredibly long, and then extended to even longer...and IT WORKED! Then again Lord of the Rings extended and added scenes of action and plot thickening events. Harry Potter would just add scenes of kids eating puke jelly beans, full quiditch matches, and Moaning Mertle practicing for synchronized swimming.

Let's face it, no matter how cool the final battle between the good wizards and the bad wizards is in this new film (which I'll eventually see and give a fair chance to) it will never EVER stack up to the goblins in the Mines of Moria, the Battle of Helms Deep, or The Battle of Pelinor Fields.

You know your story has issues when I find myself kind of hoping that Voldamort pulls off a victory and shuts those whiny teens up. How great would it have been to see the witch king wraith guy swallow Harry's Patronus and crap it out onto the battle field?