What? A sequel? To the BESTEST DISNEY MOVIE EVER!?
Eagerly we awaited the release of the VHS to end all VHS's.
Alas, Robin Williams was nowhere to be found, the animation was sub-par, and if I recall correctly, Aladin's character was besmirched by terrible choices. I guess you assume that after the first one the characters will have all learned what to do and what not to do and would live happily ever after with no more blemishes on their record. Not so.
Well, we all went out and bought Aladdin 2 so of course Aladdin 3 wasn't far behind. The return of Robin Williams as the voice of Genie couldn't save it.
Then Disney went insane and brought us the following:
Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas (A little bit Jewish exlusive)
Belle's Magical World (Spell was broken, magic was gone, what is still magical?)
Pocahontas II: The Journey to a New World (She brings the raccoon, black plague spreads like wildfire)
The Lion King II: Simba's Pride (Isn't a lion's pride its group of females that it breeds with? Is this a movie about Simba making Nala feel like a polygamist wife?)
The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea (I'm guessing the marriage with Eric doesn't work out so it's kind of a catch and release thing? Judging by the cover, Eric is completely horrified that his daughter is born with fins and a tail "MY DAUGHTER IS A FREAAAAK!" The chef chases the girl around trying to cook her...classic stuff)
Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure (Tramp named his kid Scamp? That's like a lady named Jezabelle naming her daughter Harlot...not going to end well)
Cinderella II: Dreams Come True (I thought they already came true...what was left unresolved you selfish greedy woman!? What, did Gus Gus not get his or something?)
The Hunchback of Notre Dame II (Still ugly, still sad...no interest)
101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure (This sounds like a National Lampoons sequel...probably fairly dirty)
Atlantis: Milo's Return (Never saw the first one, I have no idea who Milo is...isn't that the dog from "The Mask?")
The Lion King 1 1/2 (Ummmmmm 1 1/2? You serious? What did we miss some awkward puberty episodes when he was hanging out with the meer cat and the boar? So unnatural!)
Mulan II (Still fighting for woman's rights, this time starring Jack Black as a lovable panda bear)
TarzanII (Subtitle was originally Tarzan II: The loin cloth of knowledge...it was rejected)
Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch (Stitch has a Glitch? Son of a...something...)
Kronk's New Groove (How much more groove could you possibly need? You ended the original teaching squirrel language to scouts! You've got your groove, no need for a new one)
Bambi II (I'm guessing man is still in the forest...Bambi befriends the bears and tears the hunters limb from limb in their sleep. Very hard PG-13 rating)
Brother Bear 2 (I'm vaguely aware of a first one bombing in the theaters...they made a second?)
The Fox and the Hound 2 (I'm sure their kids have the exact same adventure they had...how charming...NOT!)
Cinderella III: A Twist in Time (From the title I'm guessing that Cinderella goes back in time and has to make her parents fall in love at the ball. She messes with time and her dad accidentally falls in love with her. In the end she plays Johnny B. Good for the ball attendees and goes back to the future where all is well...and by well I mean she still lives in squalor with her step-mother. Probably would have been wiser to go back and tell dad to lay off the red meat so he'd still be kicking in the future)
The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning (Ewwww....I'm guessing she hatches out of a bunch of eggs just like on finding Nemo. Half of her siblings get gobbled up by larger predator fish and there's an awkward sequence when she gets her training shells)
Look folks, fact is there is only one franchise that can legitimately release direct to dvd releases and have them rock...and that's the Tremors franchise.
Blowing up graboids, shooting them as they evolve, and now I hear there's a 5th one in the works with Kevin Bacon reprising his role!? AWESOME!
Word to the wise: If it's a direct to dvd release and it does not feature Tremors in some shape or form...RUN!
I'm impressed that you could come up with all those movie titles. Disney cannot let a good story go until they kill it.
ReplyDeleteCome up with? Well I MAY have googled the list, Thanks Wikipedia!
ReplyDeleteDid I almost just pee my pants reading this? Yes, yes I did. But I think Bambi 2 was actually about the twitterpated woodland creatures storming into Cabelas, seeing Bambi's mom mounted next to a gazelle, and wreaking havoc on all the costumers. Just sayin.
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