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Chuck & Lester’s Fables

The Duck and the Land Mine:

Once there was a duck name Wendell. He was a mallard duck, which meant that his head was a greenish hue. It looked kind of like boiled spinach. One day he decided to fly to a new pond, since his old pond was starting to become stale and unpopular according to some new wave magazine. On the way to the new pond he stopped to waddle in a field, as ducks are wont to do. Three steps after he landed, he stepped on a land mine and blew up. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Elephant and the Porcelain Tree

Once there was an elephant named Wendell. He was named after a famous duck who had given his life in the pursuit of being “fresh.” Wendell the elephant loved to play tricks on other animals by filling his trunk with water and then spraying them at inopportune moments. He also liked to charge tourists and make them wet themselves. His goal was to make it on a clip on one of those attacking animals shows that gets played over and over on cable TV. One day, he was charging a tourist who was off exploring on his own. The tourist moved out of the way and Wendell the elephant ran head on into a porcelain tree. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Rattlesnake and Boy Scout Troop 1632

Once there was a snake named Wen….named Rufus. Not a very good name for a snake is it? Well Rufus was slithering down a path when he came upon a camp of boy scouts. They were all dressed in their tan shirts, green shorts, scarves, and loooong socks. Knowing full well that boy scouts loved and respected nature; Rufus decided to make himself known to the boys by rattling. He figured that they would try to identify him with their field guides and take pictures of him with their poorly assembled disposable cameras. After 30 seconds of rattling he noticed the boys were looking in his direction. Rufus was excited to get showered with attention as the boys approached. Suddenly, the reddest haired and portliest of the boys took out a shovel and crushed Rufus’ skull. Things went dark pretty quickly after the initial hit. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Humming Bird and the Tennis Match

Once there was a humming bird named Jerry. He was proud to be a member of the most ADD animal species in the entire animal kingdom. He liked to go to parks, no wait this park is boring, now he liked to go to post offices, no their stamps are getting too pricey, now he liked to go to shopping centers….You get the point right? Jerry can’t stay still. His wings beat at over 200 flaps a minute. 300 if he was fast enough to sneak some coffee from an unsuspecting Flemish painter. One day he saw a curious yellow orb, and he decided to investigate. Upon further inspection he saw that there were many of these yellow orbs flying back and forth in a big green rectangle. Jerry decided to zip in closer and suck the nectar out of one of these yellow orbs when suddenly his life came to an end as someone yelled out, “Fourty Love!” Jerry didn’t feel the love, he felt a racket. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Bloated Cow and the Scorpion

Once there was a cow named Dennis. He died of a nasty infection and lay still for about a week in a field near Phoenix. His owner had no idea that Dennis was dead, bloating, and smelling up the county, because he was at a cattle ranching convention in Denver for a week. Well when Dennis died, he had unwittingly decided to make his final resting spot right on top of Cleo the scorpion’s home. Cleo was upset when he found the entryway to his small burrow blocked by a bovine obstruction. After 3 days of digging a new exit out of his master bedroom, Cleo stood in the hot Arizona sun and stared at the massive bloated carcass of Dennis the cow. Out of spite, Cleo unleashed a fury of stings in the underbelly of the cow, which weakened the outer wall of the intestinal area and resulted in the complete obliteration of the beast. Dennis’ owner was shocked when he pulled up to his property and was pelted with descending cow innards and a confused but angry scorpion. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Whale and the Frenchman’s Yacht

Once there was a blue whale named Bernard. One day while swimming naked through the ocean, he spotted the underbelly of a yacht. Twas a Frenchman’s yacht. Well Bernard stopped inhaling the bounteous buffet of microscopic ocean life forms and went to investigate. As he neared the vessel he could hear drunken singing and the sound of an out of tune lute. Bernard quietly surfaced 20 yards a starboard of the Frenchman’s Yacht. He observed a man on his boat, eating croissants and fiddling with an unopened box of whine, whilst a rather large woman of Indian descent danced a jig. The whole scene infuriated Bernard for reasons that Triton himself can not fathom, and spurred him into a violent rage. He lifted his tail high into the air and then smashed it downwards towards the keel as he heard the words, “Mon Diu!” shouted in fear. The boat was rent in two, and the crew left unconscious in the unforgiving sea. Bernard noticed moments later that a plank in the boat had pierced his tail. This wound eventually led his tail becoming gimpy, which hindered Bernard’s escape from a whaling boat he ran into a week later. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Chicken and the Homeless “Goat”

Once there was a chicken aptly named, “Clucky.” She lived on a farm in central California and loved it. Her eggs were highly prized, and the roosters all totally wanted her. One day as she was strutting her stuff around the farmyard she saw a homeless goat come wandering in. She took compassion on this poor homeless goat, which would normally be a surprise to the reader because Clucky was totally described as a somewhat vain and heartless character, but in fact she was not. Most of the other avian egg makers walked away at the site of this homeless goat, but Clucky was determined to help him. Ash she approached the goat he looked at her kind of funny. He looked almost surprised that she would walk up to him like this. Without any further ado he leaned over, grabbed her by the neck with his teeth and ended her life. Meanwhile in the chicken coup, a much older and now undesirable chicken laughed and laughed. The other horrified chickens turned to her inquisitively. “Why are you laughing at Clucky’s demise?” they all sobbed. “Because that wasn’t a goat, it was a fox. When Clucky was younger, no more than a hatchling, I knew she would be prettier than me so I miss-educated her into thinking that goats looked like foxes and foxes looked like goats hahahaha! That is why the word “Goat” has quotations in the title you silly chickens!” Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Cricket and the Hammer

Once there was a cricket named Louis. He prided himself on the fact that when all was quiet at night, and people were sleeping peacefully through the sound of other crickets, he could pipe up and make a cricketing chirping noise so loud, that entire neighborhoods would wake up and search their bushes for the obnoxiously loud perpetrator. One night he found an open window and he leapt in. He found himself in a garage with EXCELLENT acoustics. He figured he’d have enough reverberation to make the entire town think that this guy’s garage was making noise, and they hunt him down and kill him! Well about 4 seconds into his chirping declaration to the town, he realized that the owner of the garage was standing there with a large hammer. The man swung the hammer down and….missed Louis. Louis had jumped out of the way of the fatal blow just in the nick of time. Unfortunately though, Louis landed in an open container of gasoline. As his skin burned and his senses went wild with confusion, helplessness, and fear, his last clear thought was of wishing that he’d gone the way of the hammer. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Snail and the Turtle

Once there was a snail named Kevin, who lived near a forest. He had always lived near the forest, because he was a snail, and snails don’t tend to live in too many different biomes. One day he met a turtle named Victor who was paaaaaaassssssssssiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggggggg byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Victor said, “hello there snail, how are you doing on this fine afternoon?” Kevin replied, “very well thank you, but I’m awfully bored. There’s so much of the world to see and I’m too slow to go anywhere amazing!” Victor looked at him for a minute…which stretched into an hour…and finally about a day later he said, “Hop on little buddy.” Kevin cliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimbed up to the top of Victor’s shell and off they went. Kevin said, “weeeeeeeeeeee!” Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Fisherman and the Other Fisherman

Once there was a fisherman, fishing for fish in fish river. 30 yards down stream there was this other fisherman, fishing for fish in fish river. One yelled to the other, “what are you using for bait on this hot summer’s day in June? The other yelled back, “Watch out for that angry territorial Moose!” While one fisherman was brutally attacked by a large moose, the other thought to himself, “thank goodness I bated my hooks with REAL squirrel meat.” He then hopped back into his canoe and traveled farther down fish river. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Clown and the Swarm of Vegetarian Piranhas

Once there was a clown with no name, because clown names aren’t funny. He was trying to make his way to a local birthday party when he was faced with the chore of crossing the mighty Amazon River. He quickly constructed a raft out of balloons and began to float across when he spotted a rather large school of Piranhas. The clown nervously honked his nose three times and started paddling faster with this paddle made of balloons. One of the piranhas shouted from the river’s surface, “Hey, don’t worry about it, we’re vegetarians!” The clown mimicked a sigh of relief and started miming a laugh at the man in the carrot costume who was crossing the river on a raft made of various members of the squash family just yards away. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Ground Hog and the Lawn Mower

One morning a groundhog woke up to the most curious sound. It seemed to come close to his burrow and then move away, and then come back again. He poked his head up to see what the sound could possibly be coming from and…Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Possum and the Tree

Once there was a Possum named Terrance. He just loved to climb trees and hang upside down all day long. One day he found himself roughly 5 feet above the ground in an elm tree at the far end of the forest. He awoke to the sound of children shouting in Spanish. He froze as he realized that he was surrounded by roughly a dozen of these young Latino children. One of the children was walking off balance and the others laughed at him. He wore blue jeans, a red button up shirt, and a white handkerchief around his eyes. Terrance realized too late that “Luis” was holding a bat. Before he could yell out, “I’m not full of Candy!” It was over: Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Old Lady and the Birds

Miss Loretta had lived a long life full of family, friends, and adventure. Now she reflected on those days as she sat and fed bread to the birds. She would walk by the baker’s store every Saturday evening and pick up a loaf of whatever hadn’t sold that day. On this particular Sunday morning she found herself walking to the park with a bag of jalapeño bread. She took her usual seat at the park bench, breathed in the morning air, and started tearing off small pieces of the loaf and throwing them a few feet in front of her. At first there was one bird…then two…then 5…then a whole flock of them. They devoured the bread in minutes and then turned to her with longing in their eyes. Miss Loretta reached into her purse, pulled out a tazer, and took out as many birds as she could before the battery ran out. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

The Old Man and the Bucket of Popcorn

There once was an old man named Pete. He liked to sit out in the heat. He always brought his faaaavorite treat to eat in the heat. Was it meat? Noooooo. Juice of a beet? Noooooo. It was popcorn. Pete loved popcorn. And though the rhyme scheme has been thrown off, we shall continue with his story. Pete was walking down a path of stone one day when he reached into his popcorn tub and his hand hit the bottom. “I’m all out of popcorn,” said Pete. Just then the Sherriff appeared and took Pete into custody for violating his parole. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?

Scotsman and the Big Red Button

Once there was a Scotsman whose beard was as red as a freshly cut trout. His name was not important, for the villagers all called him simply, “Big Red.” He lived in the hills and appeared every Thursday to bring his sheep to market. Nobody really ate sheep any more, but they would buy them out of pity so as to keep “Big Red’s” spirits up. Because man must move forward in life, the town soon had a nuclear power plant with which to power their many electronic devices. Big Red was asked to come be the special guest on opening day. He would be the one to push the big red button and get the plant started off. On the way to the ceremony: Big Red was trampled by a herd of wild sheep who were trying to free their imprisoned brethren. Thus is life…Think about it. What is YOUR conclusion?