Things I've always wanted to try, but just haven't been able to muster the guts to do them

So...awkward moments. They can be really funny, but sometimes it takes a lot of guts to pull them off. I was reminded by some friends of mine at my high school ten year reunion this year about the time I stood up in class and grabbed my eye and screamed, "MY EYE!" as I ran out of the room.

That took a lot of guts, but I pulled it off. Here's a list of things I've always wanted to try, but have just never been able to talk myself into doing:

1- Poke my head out of the bathroom door at McDonalds and yell, "Excuse me! I'm all out of McToilet Paper in here!"

2- Try to withdraw money from my bank account and when they ask for identification I just wave my hand and say, "you don't need to see my identification."

3- Go into a pet store and ask them which breed of dog that they carry, tastes the best after it matures and is seasoned.

4- Go to the most recent disney tweeny-bop movie which stars the latest Hannah Montana-esque star, all alone...dressed in a huge Santa Suit...and I chuckle loudly after every corny joke.

5- Kick a buffalo

6-Run for public office...any public office. My slogan will be, "Hell, why not? Vote for Reeves!"

7-During a touchdown celebration, throw small trout throughout the stands

8- While using the urinal (I've gotten close to trying this one) sing the entire theme song to the original Mario Brothers game on NES, regardless of how many people are in there.

9-Go to the Lincoln Memorial and just talk to it for hours about my favorite movies.

10- Legitimately get my tongue stuck to a flag pole and start yelling, "shtuck! shtuck!"

So yeah, there's a list of random things I've always wanted to try but just haven't had the chance, the money, or the guts to pull em off- JR

What's Left to Re-Boot?

I feel bad for the current generation. They have nothing "original" when it comes to entertainment. When was the last time a movie came out and you said to yourself, "wow, that was really original" ? And don't say inception. That movie was ripped off of a Donald Duck comic book from 2002. I know ya'll are jealous cause you weren't born in the 1980's, and so you resort to remaking and rebooting classics. I'm not complaining exactly, cause honestly most of these movies have been pretty sweet. I just find it interesting that the 80's are still this dominant.

-Karate Kid

-Transformers

-Smurfs

-Tron

-He-Man (animated)

-Thundercats (animated)

-Vultron (animated)

-Red Dawn

-Wallstreet

-Indiana Jones

-Rambo

-Rocky

-A-Team

-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

-Top Gun (in the works)

-GI JOE -Friday the 13th franchise

-Nightmare on Elm Street franchise

and the list goes on bada bum de dum BOOM!

I'm probably missing quite a few. My hope is that certain films are left alone. They've already announced a re-booting of Batman. You realize that they are only two films into the trilogy, the second of which is the number 3 box office grossing film of all time. DC's just trying to keep up with Marvel though since they are re-booting Spider Man... and the X-men as well.

Let's look at some classic 80's flicks and see if they warrant a sequel or a reboot or nothing at all.

The Goonies- I know that most people will say, "leave this one alone." But, the remaining original cast is still down with this one. They actually want to make this work. LET THEM DO IT! It's one of the most epic films of all time and we'd love to see them re-unite and go on another Goonie adventure.

DO NOT, however, cast Justin Bieber as Mikey Walsh and re-boot this thing. We don't need a CGI Sloth, I repeat, we do NOT need a CGI Sloth.

Sequel: Yes Reboot: No

The Last Starfighter- Alex Rogan has defeated the Codan Armada... Now he needs to train the next generation of Star Fighter.

DO NOT, however, cast Andy Sandberg as Alex Rogan and turn a classic sci-fi masterpiece into a mockery... On second thought though, Tracy Morgan as Grieg might be slightly hilarious. I take it back- Andy Sandberg and Tracy Morgan would make this awesome. Throw in Chevy Chase as Centari and we've got a hit!

Sequel: Yes Comical Re-boot: Yes

WILLOW- Moments after finishing the Lord of the Rings book trilogy, George Lucas came up with this amazing idea about a halfling that teams up with humans to protect something that would destroy all evil in the world. Willow is a veritable classic and will be for eons. How oft do I find myself wishing I had a little bag of bones in my pocket, and whenever people are trying to decide something I could say, "I will consult the bones!" Then I'd dump them out and say, "The bones tell me....nothing."

There were a slew of book sequels to this, but I think that in this case a remake would be a bad idea since Val Kilmer is now...well.. let's put it this way. His call sign in Top Gun was "Iceman." Judging by his presnt girth, he'd be known as "Iceberg that sent the Titanic to the bottom of the Atlantic." Mad Mardigan was the coolest character ever...let's not ruin him shall we?

Sequel: No Re-boot: No

Also, don't even think of having Ferris Beuler's son take school off, and Better off Dead is Better Off left alone since it's the greatest comedy to come out of that beloved decade.

What else would you like to see remade from the 80's? AND DON'T SAY HOWARD THE DUCK!

JR

I Hate Zach Galifinakis and Seth Rogen

I know there are plenty of other guilty parties, but I'm going to focus on these two clowns because they caught my attention lately.

Since I'm not a regular viewer of raunchy "comedies," I haven't seen much of these guys. I saw the Galifinakis tool in the dinner for Schmucks flick, which I regret seeing, and he seems to be a one trick pony as far as the breadth of character he can play.

Recently I saw an interview done with Seth Rogen on the Conan O'Brien Show. Conan mentioned that Seth was a big fan of weed. Seth replied, "yeah, I have my medical marijuana card here in California." Conan asked him what his ailments were that warranted the use of the drug and he said something along the lines of "I'm sick of not having enough WEEEEED!"

Great.

Zach Galifinakis hosted SNL the other night. He had a large sheet of paper that read, "Clap if you endorse legalized marijuana." He then folded the paper back to read, "I'm ashamed of this audience." And then he peeled it back to say, "There should have been MORE clapping." Finally he finished with, "I smoke so much pot that sometimes I forget to smoke it."

Awesome.

I'd like to introduce these two morons to my students. This year I've had kids arrested for dealing your precious weed. They're going to be in the court system and won't be getting out to see your latest movie. I've had multiple students drop out and or fail my class and most other classes all year, and guess why they've all been suspended. I've got a kid right now whose IQ is basically flat lined because of how much weed he smoked growing up. Kid is only 15 and his mind is a barren wasteland.

So thanks for promoting drug use you guys. You are making millions while my kids here are failing out of life before they're 18.

There will be those who argue that it's not that big of a deal. They'll think me a small minded conservative Christian who knows nothing.

Well here's what I do know. Drugs are illegal, they screw you up, and these two morons who are adored by impressionable teenagers are out there promoting it.

I'm on the front lines. I see what it does to these kids. You clue-less hippies have a lot of blood on your hands.

-end frustrating rant.

It's the story...of a lovely MURDER!

Whilst watching John Travolta's classic t.v. movie from 1975- The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, this weekend, I started to think about some unanswered questions. Travolta's dad in the show was played by the guy who played Mr. Brady from the Brady Bunch show.

I blogged about the things they never explained in Toy Story a month or so back, and now I'm going to go to a dark place that holds more questions than answers...

THE BRADY BUNCH.

"Excessive uses of alcohol, physical, or verbal abusiveness are a few examples of reasons to lose child visitation rights" (Child Visitation Rights).

Throwing the silly movies aside, why was there never an episode (that I can remember) where the kids left to be with their other parent?

"Producer Schwartz wanted Carol to have been a divorcee but the network objected to this. A compromise was reached whereby no mention was made of the circumstances in which Carol's first marriage ended" (Wikipedia).

So we have two split families that become one... let's look at both sides and guess what MAY have happened.

Carol Brady and the Girls: In this case I'm guessing that the lack of child visitation rights comes from an abusive parent. Jan Brady is obviously dealing with some real issues throughout the series. My guess is that their biological father used to mistreat Florence Henderson and her brood. If violence was involved, this would explain the lack of visitations. They never make mention of him...maybe he was in prison? The show was canceled before the 6th season ever materialized and the internet is telling me it's 6-10 years for abuse of that kind. If the 6th season HAD come to pass we may have seen Flo Hender's Ex getting out of Folsom to stay with the family and spend time with his girls. The Ex waits til Mr. Brady is gone and attacks Flo Hender with a wrench. Tiger (the family's dog) bites the guy in the process and rips a major vein, causing the man to bleed to death on the shag carpeting.

Mr. Brady and the Boys: Whereas Flo Hender divorced an abusive guy, Mr. Brady and the boys lost their mother to...mysterious circumstances. That's right...It's the story of a lovely MURDER! Throw in some blackmail and you have a plausible reason why Alice the maid is still hanging around. Mr. Brady works, Mrs. Brady....does what? She's home all day, why do they need a maid? The truth is they don't need a maid. Alice is there, working for free, because if she EVER says anything about what went down on August 18th 1968, Mr. Brady would feed her to the dog. Mr Brady, master manipulator, began flirting with Alice. He knew that Alice had a huge crush on him and he used that to his advantage. Mr. Brady had tired of his current wife and had noticed Flo-Hender at the shopping center recently. He knew her situation, he knew she was vulnerable, and he wanted out of his current relationship. He manipulated Alice into believing that if she (Alice) could just get rid of the old Mrs. Brady, then they would hook up. Didn't happen though. Alice killed the old Mrs. Brady and came running to what she THOUGHT would be an excited Mr. Brady...only to find him aghast at what she'd done. "Alice...what have you done...why did you...sniff...kill her?" Alice panicked, but Mr. Brady comforted her. "Listen, I won't tell the police, but your paycheck just disappeared. You work for me now, forever and always. If you EVER leave, I'm telling the cops everything. So Mr. Brady got Flo-Hender, got rid of his old wife, and got free maid service for life.

And THAT's the way they became the Brady Bunch!

World Peace...it's as simple as pushing "play"

People killing people...

Invasions...

Dictators...

Folks strapping bombs to their kids...

There's got to be a better way...and there is.

The sollution to the problem is simple: Operation Wyld Stallynz.

Remember what the future looks like? It's a bunch of futuristic dudes strumming guitars with Bill and Ted's band "The Wyld Stallynz" playing in the background. Rufus was there, and it was good.

"You see, eventually your music will help put an end to war and poverty. It will align the planets and bring them into universal harmony, allowing meaningful contact with all forms of life; from extra terrestrials to common household pets, and it's excellent for dancing."- Rufus

Now sadly we don't actually have a band called, "Wild Stallynz." However, I do believe that we can implement the same idea and save the world.

Step one: Lots and lots of speaker systems. This music needs to be broadcast all over the world. Maybe we'll employ a few hundred thousand blimps, fit them with massive speakers, and just strategically place them over cities and such.

Step two: Ultimate Mix Cd's. I see there being 3 different groups that would play at all times: Enya, Simon and Garfunkel, and Bob Marley.

Step three: Watch the terrorists come out of their caves with regretful looks on their faces. Watch the gangs stop fighting and start hugging. Watch Tupac and Biggy rise from their graves and collaborate.

You think Momar Quadaffi (sp?) would be shootin at rebels or the rebels shooting at Quadaffi if they had Bob Marley's "One Love" blasting down from the skys? I tells you they'd be HUGGIN!

Guy steals a lady's purse...stops in mid stride as the climax of "Bridge over Troubled Water" gets belted out by Simon and Garfunkel (whom will be referred to from here on out as "S-drizzle and G-funk"), turns around with tears in his eyes and takes the purse and the woman out to lunch at a moderately priced buffet...and tips at 23%

Man lifts his hand to strike his wife and instead decides to leave the house to cool off. He jumps on a boat and "sails away sails away sails away..." to Enya.

The holy trinity of Marley, S-Drizzle and G-Funk, and Enya would heal all wounds and give birth to a happier world...until someone throws on Master of Puppets by Metallica as a joke and the world falls into chaos.

This is my vision...

I employed this tactic today as I had a student who, according to his paper, wanted to $%#%% %$%##$$# all rich white %#$%%#%%$ in the area.

I had One Love playing when he entered the classroom today...

He left with a "we cool" and a handshake/fist bump.

Thanks for reading everyone, the fact that I have "followers" and that I get hits every day, makes me smile- JR

Resistance is not futile...I-resist the machines

"Are you Sara Connor?"

"Yes..."

"BANG!"

Terminator 1 reference? CHECK!

I-have been questioned by co-workers and friends lately as to why I-am hesitating...no...refusing to go into the I-phone or I-pad craze. I-think that it's time to explainmyself.

I-currently have a great little t-mobile phone that has lasted me almost 3 whole years. It carries my music, some photos, videos, and it was FREE FREE FREE! I-don't play games on it because when I-received my phone I-found that all of the games were only demos. It costs money to download the full versions so I-decided not to waste the money or the time.

I-get enough minutes per month and unlimitted texts and I-find that to be just fine. It covers all of my wants and needs.

Now I-hear all about these I-phones and I-pads that people suddenly "need." I-guess that I-am insane because I-don't feel like I-need these things to function.

Aps? I-have lived 29 years wihtout aps and I-am fine. I-got a GPS for my car so I-can find my way around, and that's great right? Shouldn't that be enough?

"But with an I-pad you can do THIS!" "If you had an I-phone you could THAT!"

I-see how marvelous the angry birds are and I-think to myself, "If I-had that game I-would play that game all day long." I-realize that some aps make life so much easier and yet I-have decided not to use them as tools. Why?

Sitting on the couch watching tv and you have to go to the bathroom but you don't want to get up to use the toilet? There's an APP for that.

Get caught stealing watermellons from a blind lady's house? There's an APP for that.

I-see people walking around Walmart having conversations with their blut-tooth things. They look and sound like nut jobs.

"What? Yeah I know...TOTALLY! Yeah I-will be there at 5...yeah I-am at Walmart...buying Fruity Pebbles." The next time I-see someone doing this I-am going to start talking to myself too...only without the blue tooth.

"Yeah I'm not sure why but it's TOTALLY chaffing me! Yeah I know I thought I'd washed out the ear-mites but they are driving me crazy...no I don't remember your Grandmother popping out of a birthday cake in her birthday suit, I blocked that from my memory."

As far as I-pads go, I-feel like I-am walking around the Star Ship Dork-a-prise on Star Trek. Nerds walking around with little computer screens. I-know I-know, "but Justin, you are a huge Star Wars/Sci-fi geek, why not embrace this?" I-will tell you why. I-bust my butt and work two jobs, the second or "extra" of which is incredibly stressfull. I-feel that my money is better spent on food and other essentials than on a phone that does everything for me with a data plan that costs $30 extra bucks a month.

I-love blu-ray, I-love HD, but this whole push button society is going too far.

So no, I-don't care how fun Angry Birds is.

No I don't want to do video calling, (I make many calls from my toilet, you don't want to see it, trust me. That being said, please don't assume that if you are on the phone with me that I'm on the pot).

You realize what the phone company is doing to you right? The same thing as the tobacco companies.

They got you hooked, and now you can't live without it, so the price goes up a bit, the apps get pricier, and the I-tunes songs go from 99 cents to 1.29...

I-am just not going to start smoking in the first place, and if the phone company says that I-need a data plan in order to have a cell phone? Then I-am getting a freaking land line- JR

Dear World: I Refuse to Grow Up...Sorta

I'm 29 years old...


I find the occasional gray hair popping through my black, dreamy hair...


I have a wife...


I have 2 kids...


I have 2 jobs...


I pay the bills... (well my money does, technically my lovely wife does the online payment thing)


Yesterday I interviewed with a prestigious university (where Jimmer goes) for Grad school


I've sued someone before...


I have credit cards....


I have attended my 10 year high school reunion...


I'm technically a grown up...



THAT BEING SAID!


I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R' Us kid!


I play ultimate Frisbee with students and teachers on Fridays in the field!


I collect comic books, that's right, I collect and enjoy reading comic books! (Call em graphic novels if that sounds more mature)


Tomorrow night, my friends and I are going to see Sucker Punch at MIDNIGHT! You heard me, my students will be sleeping and I'll be watching girls with samurai swords destroy giant robots and evil mechanical Nazi creatures!



I still wear rock and roll t-shirts, ripped jeans, and play my bass guitar


I enjoy cartoons


I like to eat Captain Crunch with Butterfinger bars crumbled up at the bottom of the bowl.


I probably know more about the Star Wars universe than George Lucas does.


I tell stupid jokes


Today I gave a kid extra credit. His presentation on guitars was utterly awful so I told him, "play a song if you wanna get a decent grade on this." "All I know is metal," he said. So I told him, "then play Master of Puppets by Metallica." He did...he got more points.


The other day a co-worker said something to the effect of "I wish I knew how you had so much energy." The easy answer would be caffeine, but I HAVEN'T TOUCHED SODA IN ALMOST 4 MONTHS!!! It's called a lust for life.


LET'S BE CLEAR THOUGH!


I take life very seriously. I know there is a time to be serious and a time to goof off. A time to cast away stones, a time to gaaaaaaather stoooooones together.


Here's what I DON'T want to have happen:


I don't want to go through a day of my life without making somebody laugh...hysterically


I don't want to become so involved in my work that my kids think I'm boring


I don't want to say, "hmmm a midnight movie sounds awfully foolish, it will make me tired and I'M TOO OLD FOR THAT.





I don't want to look through my closet and say, "well I'll be dipped, this t-shirt with Ralph Wiggum on the front saying, "I bent my wookie" is in terrible taste...away with it!"


So Yeah,

I might be dedicating all of my time and efforts at two jobs and grad school coming up here. But between research papers, I'll be reading the latest issue of Deadpool or Uncanny X-Force.


After a long week full of papers and work and such, I'll be rewarding myself by checking out the newest "Sucker Punch-esque" movie at midnight and smiling the whole time.

I'm going to continue to occasionally scarf down multiple hot dogs and ramen. It was good enough for me at college, it's good enough for me now.


Peter Pan was a jerk in the movie Hook. Then he went to Neverland and he became a screw around putz. Finally he found the balance between the two.


That's where you'll find me...


In the Ruse of Fools- JR