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Happy Orchard High volume 1

Scene: 1

first day of freshman year

VOICE: Welcome to Happy Orchard High, home of the mighty sea-faring Nordic-men.

Lance

So this is high school huh?

SOUND: people talking, slamming lockers

Devin

Yeah...it looks a lot like jr. high except...

LANCE

The girls look more

devin

yeah

LANCE

And the weirdos look

DEVIN

weirder, yes.

LANCE

Cool...so how was your summer?

DEVIN

ummm you know how my summer was, heck you probably know more about it than I do. We hung out every day man.

lance

oh yeah...so what do you have first period on your first day of school?

DEVIN

Well Lance, it would seem that I am in store for some physical education with Coach Pitts. You?

LANCE

It would appear that I will be joining you with Coach Pitts...in the pit of DESPAIR!

SOUND: thunder claps

DEVIN

Whoah, did you hear that?

LANCE

No?

DEVIN

Neither did I...let's go.

MUSIC: weird old timey organ music

SOUND: bell rings

DEVIN

Wow...so...we have a co-ed phys-ed class?

LANCE

That would seem to be the situation here my friend

SOUND: girls walk by talking loudly

LANCE

That would be the situation INDEED!

DEVIN

I suddenly wish I'd bought shorts that were a bit longer...these legs they are a white.

SOUND: whistle blows

Coach Pitts

OK! EVERYBODY LINE UP, SHUT UP, AND GUT UP.

LANCE

Excuse me coach Pitts, but what does Gut...

COACH PITTS

SILENCE!

LANCE

eep

COACH PITTS

This is Physical Education 101, I'm coach Pitts, and because of some budget cuts it would seem that we have a coed class in our midst. Who knows what that means?

SOUND: cricket noise

COACH PITTS

It means that contact sports are going to be hilarious. Now everybody hit the base line!

SOUND: WHISTLE BLOWS and gym shoes are heard squeeking while the students run shuttle runs.

LANCE

(out of breath) Devin...huff...I'm starting to regret the hours of ...pant... video games and taco shack runs we made this summer

DEVIN

I....I am....I....Ditto...

COACH PITTS

Everyone line up! It's time to play a man's game...that's right ladies...a MAN'S GAME: DODGEBALL! I just gotta make some teams. Why don't you you you and you, you three and you...no not you, the fat kid, yeah you- go stand on that side of the court. The rest of you stand on this side.

Girl

How exactly do you play?

COACH PITTS

You serious?

girl

Yeah well i've never actually

SOUND: WHISTLE BLOWS

COACH PITTS

GOOOOOOOO!

SOUND: squeeking shoes and screaming teens followed by bouncing rubber balls.

LANCE

Devin! What do we do?!

DEVIN

We dodge for our lives Lance.;

LANCE

Devin! They'll never take our freedom! Earn this!
My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions!

DEVIN

Lance what are you talking about?

LANCE

I don't know, I've never experienced battle like this! I'm channeling Hollywood as a self defense mechanism...I represent the lollipop guild!

DEVIN

Lance, get a hold of yourself. Look! Our weak frames have left us unnoticed, there's only 4 of us left! Quickly, throw that ball as hard as you can and we might just get lucky.

LANCE

I'm turning off my targeting computer, ready, aim, FIRE!

SOUND: crunching noise followed by girl's muffled scream

LANCE

What happened?

DEVIN

ummm I'm pretty sure that you just broke that girls nose.

LANCE

Which girl?

DEVIN

The one you just nailed in the shnoz with the ball...

LANCE

I ummm threw it with my eyes closed. Looks like I really DIDN'T need my targeting computer.

DEVIN

Whoah dude look at all the blood!

LANCE

Ummmm (shouting) MY BAD! I'M SORRY!

COACH PITTS

Hey skinny! GET OVER HERE!

LANCE

gulp

DEVIN

Oh man you realize who that is that you hit right?

LANCE

Blond girl number 5 of 9 in the class?

DEVIN

Dude that's Rachel Gibson...as in "LEAD CHEERLEADER" Rachel Gibson. And hey, speaking of which, here comes her boyfriend.

LANCE

Did I mention: Gulp?

Dalton

Hey twerp, what's your problem?!

LANCE

Hey...it's dodgeball, I threw the ball, and she didn't dodge. It's not MY fault is it?

DALTON

MORON! She's not even in our class, she was just walking through the hall by the open gym door. Didn't you aim?

LANCE

ummm how exactly do you want me to answer that question?

DALTON

What?

LANCE

I mean if I say, "yes I aimed" then it would appear that I broke her nose on purpose right?

DALTON

Yes

LANCE

But if I say that I didn't aim and in fact tell you that my eyes were closed when I threw said projectile which smash-ed yonder nose then it was all an accident and you can't hold it against me.

DALTON

Ummm you're a freshman right?

LANCE

Yeah...why?

SOUND: punching/crunching noise

LANCE

oof

DEVIN

ouch...

DALTON

Welcome to Happy Orchard High

Lance

(nasally voice)

Debin

DEVIN

Yes Lance?

LANCE

I'm not so sure I like it here.

DEVIN

Don't worry little buddy. It's just first period. We have 5 more classes that we can screw up today.

SOUND: BELL RINGS

The end

Love this video

@ Yahoo! Video

It's time for a change folks

This mini-rant brought to you by the fact that I'm slowly losing faith in our nation's future.

Here are some examples of things that have happened in the last couple of weeks that have made me say...hmmmm time for a change.


1- I'm playing Jeopardy in my class room. The Current Events category gets picked and:

Me: "What is the name of the Oil Company that spilled in the gulf?"
Students: "I don't know...Chevron?"
Me: "Does ANYONE know this? Biggest story of the year? Biggest environmental tragedy ever?"
Students: "no not really."

2- Same Jeopardy Game:
Me: "Who is the Vice President of the United States"
Class: Cricket Noises........absolutely nothing
Me: "You guys are serious?"
Student: "Oh I know it's Dick Cheney!"
Me: "Ummm that was the last administration with Bush."
Student: "They switch?"

3- Sitting in writing lab-
Student: "I heard Obama wasn't born in the United States"
Me: "He was born in Hawaii"
Student: "Don't you have to be born in America?"
Me: "You DO know that Hawaii is a state right?"
Student: "No...." (16 year old student at that)

4- Same student as number 3
He had turned nothing in and was going to fail my class. Summer school is so easy! I made it deliberately easy for these kids to pass. They just had to show up, do the work, complete the assignments, and they would get a good grade.
He approached me and said, "Mr. Reeves I need to talk to you, I was wondering if there was any work I could do..."
Now at this point I thought to myself, "ALL RIGHT! HE WANTS TO WORK! GRADUATE! SUCCEED ! But then he continued to talk...
Student: "If there was any work I could do around your house like mowing the lawn or something. I need $35 by Friday.
Me: "For What?"
Student: "For Something"
Me: "For WHAT?"
Student: "This Rave I want to go to and...."



I had kids in my class who showed up to every day of Summer School but almost failed because they wouldn't do anything. They have this new excuse all set up now. When I asked them to write a 3 page double spaced paper (and gave them 3 hours to do it) I had a few students turn in almost one page. These are the students that I sat and watched as they played online games and searched the web for other things. When I asked why I only got 1/3 of the assignment they said, "well I couldn't think of anything to write." And then they would pause and wait for me to accept this excuse. It's as if, "I couldn't think of anything" would make me say, "oh really? That's too bad, full credit for all and for all a good grade! Hooray for you!"

I was part of Generation x.

This is either Generation X-box or Generation X-cuse

It's going to be a sad reality for this generation when they assume that by showing up to work they'll deserve a pay check. When the boss asks for a report, "I couldn't think of anything" isn't going to cut it... in fact it'll just plain get you cut.

I'm tired of the Laziness
I'm tired of the lack of intelligence
I'm tired of the "I deserve this..." attitude
I'm tired of the students who worship family guy and think that the sexual humor is HILARIOUS
I'm tired of people ignoring common sense
I'm tired of people who sit around waiting for life to be served to them on a golden platter.

IF YOU WANT IT- QUALIFY YOURSELF FOR IT
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO QUALIFY YOURSELF-DON'T DEPEND ON ME TO BAIL YOUR BUTT OUT BECAUSE THAT'S NOT HOW THIS COUNTRY IS SUPPOSED TO WORK!

I'm against the redistribution of wealth because it'd be wrong for me to redistribute grades right? X amount of kids work hard and got B's and A's. Y amount of kids didn't even try and got D's and F's. So should I just even it out and give everyone C's?
Of course not...
So why is it that when my A and B students have good jobs, the D and F students who are working low income jobs deserve anything from up top?

Life starts in 9th grade folks.
If you mess around throughout your high school career, you are basically screwed for the next 60 years.

Parents...this is all on you. Step your game up.

END RANT- Go see Inception, it's marvelous.

A Taco Bell Poem

I'm trying to get my students into this whole "Poetry of the Moment" thing. There are some moments that are just beautiful in their simplicity. And so, I now give you an original poem: 7 Layers...


9:05...
Monday Night...
I've been working since 7:15 A.M. and I've been
Snacking
On crackers, candies, and chips
But now work is over, and it's time to get serious...cause I'm hungry
I skip my exit, and drive farther than I should
My window cracks open and I smell...my home town on a Summer's eve
Our town smells like
Sewage
And yet,
It is sweet in the spring and early summer.
I pull into the drive through, to the glowing menu that welcomes me with a
crackly
staticky
voice.
"Welcome to Taco Bell, how are you tonight?"
How am I tonight? I'm good, and so I reply, "I'm fabulous"
"And you?"
The static replies that they are also doing well and they thank me for my courtesy.
It's not hard to be courteous to a static box
A real person is a lot harder to talk to.
The voice asks what they can get for me
And I...
I must first ask them an important question upon which the rest of my evening hinges.
"Your rice" I ask, "Is it fresh? Or is it old...and crunchy...like small twigs"
They check...I await patiently
"It is fresh and smooth as Vanilla ice cream in a park in mid-August" Comes the reply.
My mind is at ease...
"Excellent" says I, "then I shall order a 7 layer burrito."
The order continues with various tacos, burritos, and whatever else they're currently promoting.
Tacos may make up the meal, but the 7-Layer Burrito MAKES the meal.
I drive home quickly
Disregarding stop signs and rushing uncharacteristically through long glowing yellow lights which turn red as I speed through.
Home...
I rush through the door and kiss my sweet wife
I toss my bag of beans and tortillas on the footrest in front of the couch and I dig in.
I start with a soft taco to tantalize my pallete...
I add mild sauce, and I inhale it.
Next up is the 7-layer bounty that this whole trip was about.
My day hinges on the delicious creation that lies within the wrapper.
I've never had the same 7-layer burrito twice...they ALL taste different
And this excites me.
I unwrap the burrito and hold it in my hands...
Gently bouncing it like a new born babe who needs consoling.
I feel the burrito...and I locate the part of the tortilla that is...coldest.
This is where they deposited the Sour Cream
THIS is where they deposited the Guacamole!
I start there...the first bite is cold, and delicious.
The vein of sour cream is found throughout the folded Mexican food perfection.
No more than 2 minutes after I've started, and the burrito is no more.
It is a part of me now...
As I am a part of it.
I dread the next day's stomache and digestion issues that will inevitably destroy me...
however...
for the moment...
I am happy
7- Layers can heal the world

Killer Pizza Screenplay

Hey Kid
Screenplay by: Justin Reeves


INT: BASEMENT: BEDROOM: 2:30 A.M. COMPUTER DESK

A young man sits hunched over his computer. The screen is the lone light source in the room. He has been gaming for hours. To the right, there is an empty pizza box. To the left, there is a trash can filled to the brim with empty energy drink cans.

KEVIN
Damn…I’m hungry

Kevin straightens his head set

KEVIN
K guys, I’m starving, I’m going to make a food run before our next raid ok?

Kevin fumbles for his keys, puts on a baseball cap and hops exits the basement. He reaches the kitchen and quietly opens house’s side door.

EXT: FRONT YARD: 2:45 A.M.

Kevin reaches his car and uses the light of his cell phone to find the lock. He inserts his key, hops in his car, turns the lights on and drives away.


INT: WALMART: FROZEN PIZZA AISLE:

Kevin looks up and down at the differently priced pizzas. He sighs, he isn’t very motivated. Suddenly he hears a voice.

PIZZA
Psssst! Hey kid

Kevin looks around to see who wants his attention.

PIZZA
Hey, you, kid….down here

Kevin slowly glances down. Behind the condensation on the window, he can see a red baron pizza box rocking back and forth…the sound seems to be coming from the pizza.

PIZZA
HEY! CAN YOU HEAR ME KID?

KEVIN
Ummmm yeah? I ummm what the Hell?


PIZZA
Hey kid shut up….now listen carefully. You are going to buy me.

Kevin shakes his head and gently slaps his own face as if to wake himself up.

KEVIN
Buy you?

PIZZA
Yeah kid, you are going to buy me, and you are going to get me out of here.


Kevin looks to his left, looks to his right, and gets a very concerned look on his face.


PIZZA
Kid, stop hitting yourself! Stop looking around! Now open this damned door and buy me!

KEVIN
Do you want me to eat you?

PIZZA
Eat me? You think I want you to buy me so that I can escape and then I’d want you to eat me? What are you stupid kid?

KEVIN
Look I don’t even know if this is real or not. I mean, you are a pizza right? And I know I’ve been drinking a crap load of caffeine and all, and I’ve been gaming for 10 hours straight but…seriously what is going on here?

PIZZA
Look kid, I’m going to make this really simple for you. Either you buy me RIGHT NOW, or I swear I’ll freaking kill you.

KEVIN
Ha!

PIZZA
Oh what you don’t think I can do it? Check this out: “HEY HOTPOCKETS, GIVE EM HELL!

Kevin swings around at the a loud thumping sound and sees two boxes of hot pockets smashing against the window opposite the pizza. Kevin jumps at the site of them.


PIZZA
Yeah you like that? Huh? You want some more of that? Cause the frozen bags of broccoli over there will mess you up son…they will MESS YOU UP! Now buy me!

Kevin looks around to make sure that nobody is watching. He kneels down and speaks in a very hushed voice.

KEVIN
Look dude, I don’t know what’s going on here. I’m probably tripping from too many games, I don’t know. What I DO know is that I’ve only got ten bucks, and I gotta refurnish my pop supply too. You are $5.50 and the 12 packs of dew cost $4.50, I won’t have enough for the tax and….

PIZZA
Oh what you think this is a joke? You think this is some kind of game? Look kid, buy a six pack instead of the 24 pack and get me out of here. You think I’m joking about killing you? I’ll freaking do it man. Check this $#it out

The refrigerator opens abruptly and an object is flung at Kevin’s feet. It is a Walmart name tag, and it is smeared with blood. It reads, “Trevor.”


KEVIN
Holy crap you killed someone?

PIZZA
Yes I did, and do you want to know WHY Kevin?

KEVIN
Why?

PIZZA
Cause he wouldn’t take me out of this fridge and take me home. Now get me out of here or I’m going to straight up kill you where you stand!

Kevin opens the door, throws the name tag back behind some Tony’s pizzas, and grabs the talking pizza box. He puts it under his arm, grabs two two-liters of Dew, and walks to the lone active check out counter. The checker is visibly frustrated and on the store phone.




CASHIER
(talking into the phone) No, he was here an hour ago and he left I guess. I haven’t seen Trevor all night, which means I’m stuck here doing the checking. It’s almost 3:00 a.m. and I want to go home. Yeah go check out back and get back to me. Yeah hurry…thanks.

The cashier hangs up the phone and sighs while looking at her watch.

CASHIER
Sorry about that, is that everything for you?

KEVIN
(nervously) Yeah this is it…

Kevin looks frightened. He’s starting to perspire a bit. He sets the pizza and the 2-liters down on the conveyor belt and fumbles for his wallet.


CASHIER
You ok? You look a bit frustrated.

KEVIN
I..I…ummm I’m…ummm I’m f-f-fine. I’m just…a little tired…gotta get back to my games. How much do I owe ya?

CASHIER
$7:89…you wanna bag for this?

Kevin glances at the pizza as if waiting for an answer. No answer comes, and the cashier looks strangely at Kevin.

CASHIER
You sure you’re ok?

KEVIN
(anxiously) yes I’m fine

CASHIER
Hey while you were back there you didn’t see some nerdy guy named Trevor did you? I’m supposed to be going home and he’s supposed to be watching the front and I think he bailed.

KEVIN
No, I uh, haven’t seen Trevor, or anyone, or anything…I’m….can I go now?


CASHIER
Suuuuuure. Have a good night.

Kevin walks hurriedly towards the exit.


EXT: WALMART PARKING LOT: 3:25 A.M.

Kevin, with bags in his hands, jogs to his car. Uses his cell phone as a flashlight, and unlocks his doors. He throws the bags in and closes the door behind him

INT: CAR: WALMART PARKING LOT: 3:26 A.M.

PIZZA
You done good kid, reaaaal good. Now take me to your place.

KEVIN
Why? What do you want?

PIZZA
Don’t question me. Don’t question my existence, my morals, or me methods. Just drive…

KEVIN
Ok…just don’t hurt me.

PIZZA
Keep your mouth shut and I won’t have to

KEVIN
What did you do to Trevor? Why did you hurt him?

PIZZA
I killed him, don’t worry about how I did it. Just know that it was painful. And as for why? Well he asked a LOT of questions that I found annoying, so I needed to shut him up. Can you think of anyone ELSE who has been asking annoying questions tonight kid? Hmmmmm?

KEVIN
…..I’ll shut up

PIZZA
That’s right you will


Kevin is silent the rest of the drive home. Upon pulling up to his house he cautiously ventures forth a question to the Pizza.

KEVIN
Ok look we’re here. Now I don’t want any trouble or anything. I don’t want to ask any questions that might set you off.

PIZZA
Good thinking

KEVIN
Do you mind if I ask for some clarification though?

PIZZA
That’s a nice way of saying, “do you mind if I ask a question” but since you phrased it so nicely, yes I will clarify for you

KEVIN
Ok, I bought, you, I’ve taken you home. I’ve done all that you’ve asked me to do…can you clarify the goal here? I work in missions with clear goals.

PIZZA
For example?

KEVIN
Well, just before I met you I was part of an elite assassin squad in an online scenario where my friends and I needed to A: Infiltrate a mansion. B: Bug the phones C: Kill the butler, and D: Escape without being seen. I did all of these things, finished the objective, and then figured I was hungry and wanted some pizza, which brings us to where we are now. So…what is my goal here?

PIZZA
A fair inquiry….take me inside and I’ll instruct you further

EXT: KEVIN’S HOUSE: DRIVEWAY

Kevin gets out of the car with “groceries” in hand and walks into the side garage door. He enters the darkened kitchen and stops…

INT: KEVIN’S KITCHEN: 3:40 A.M.

KEVIN
(Whispering) Ok…what now


PIZZA
Ok, I need you to grab that butcher’s knife over there…


KEVIN
(Loud Whisper) WHAT?

PIZZA
Do it Kevin…do it now…

Kevin grabs the knife and looks at it in the dim moonlight which is illuminating the room through the kitchen window.

PIZZA
Now, go into your parents room…

KEVIN
My parents? Why I…

PIZZAKEVIN! You will do as I say, when I say, or you will die do you hear me!?

KEVIN
Yes…

Kevin walks obediently with knife and pizza in hand down the hallway, towards his parent’s room


PIZZA
Kill them Kevin….

KEVIN
(Shouts) WHAT!?

PIZZA
You heard me Kevin…KILL THEM!

KEVIN
(tears streaming down his face) NO! I don’t WANT TO! Leave me alone!

PIZZA
Don’t you set me down Kevin, if you set me down, you’re dead

Kevin looks from the pizza to the knife to the door to the pizza to the knife to the door


DAD
(Muffled) Kevin? Is that you? What are you….

KEVIN
NO! I WON’T DO IT!!! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!!

PIZZA
NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Kevin throws the pizza to the floor. It starts to crawl towards Kevin. Kevin flips on the hallway light switch and lunges at the pizza. He takes the butcher’s knife to the box repeatedly. He screams with each thrust of the knife.


PIZZA
AAAAARGH!

Kevin’s dad opens the door and looks down horrified at what he sees.

DAD
Kevin what in the name of?

But Kevin doesn’t hear…he just keeps stabbing the pizza (which has ceased its screams)


INT: BASEMENT: 4:00 A.M.

Kevin sits back down at his computer and puts his headset back on. He moves his mouse so as to wake his computer back up.

KEVIN
You guys still online? Yeah? Cool what did I miss…yeah Wal-Mart…bought a pizza and some dew…no…no I threw it in the trash. It was evil…

Let the summer movie season BEGIN!

"It all starts here..."

Summer movie season of 2010 begins in 2 weeks ladies and gentlemen. Last night I purchased my tickets to the midnight show of Iron Man 2, which looks freaking awesome. It's on the Mammoth screen at Thanksgiving Point. I have reserved seats...dead center...and I'm so so pumped for this epic film.

I love Marvel Comics, and every year they provide us with quality films about their characters. Last years "Wolverine" was incredibly cool. Iron Man rocked us the year before that, and the Hulk smashed us into submission later that summer. Next year's "Deadpool" is going to be hilarious and all sorts of violent... I love it.

I'm also looking forward to Robin Hood, Toy Story 3, The A-team, Predators, and The Expendables.

There is nothing better than the midnight show of a summer blockbuster premiere. My cell phone's phone book has been texted and all should be aware of the party to end all parties.

Sure, the next day I feel like I've been run over by a herd of camels, but that's ok. I dressed up as Wolverine for school last year when it came out. Maybe if I can get my hands on some cardboard, spray paint, and some tin foil, I could make myself into an Iron Man. I love education- JR